Coming Attractions

by Pa Rock
Entertainment Writer

Though I can't reveal my sources, it is my understanding the some amazing films are scheduled to be released by Hollywood prior to next spring's various film awards. What follows is a sampler of what to expect at your local multiplex:

Gee Wee’s Big Adventure:

Yes, the news has already leaked – former president George Bush has been signed to make a movie for MTV. The worst President in the history of the United States couldn’t score a book deal, and there were few offers for lucrative speaking engagements, but not to worry – he’s going Hollywood!

The ex-Pres will be taking on the goof-ball character created by world-class fisherman and master baiter, Pee Wee Herman, in a spoof of life in the White House. The plot focuses on Gee Wee having a few too many Harvey Wallbangers at the bar at the Watergate one evening, and deciding to revisit the White House. He gains entry through the same steam tunnels that Kevin Kline and Sigourney Weaver used to exit the place in Dave. Gee Wee stumbles around the halls of the White House and tells the various night porters and cleaners that he is a guest staying in the Lincoln bedroom. The fun starts when he enters the War Room and discovers that the Obama administration has inexplicably forgotten to change the nuclear codes. Well…so much for France!

If you’re looking for some good, old-fashioned entertainment, Jug Ears the Nitwit will capture your heart!

Daughters of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane:

Glenn Close and Meryl Streep give it their best as the aging daughters of the macabre Hudson sisters in this bush league sequel of the cult classic from the 1960’s. Unfortunately, they start off as too old and crotchety, and only get worse as the movie drags on. Rumor has it that Betty White was too busy to rescue this film, and Bea Arthur was too dead. Director Sean Penn might have saved his bacon and his celluloid if he had given those juicy roles to Goldie Hawn and his ex-wife, Madonna.

Die Hard with a Pacemaker:

Bruce Willis is back as the tough-as-nails John McClane, a former police officer who has a penchant for getting involved in daring rescues. This time McClane is out to save his two good buddies, Clint Eastwood and Tommy Chong, from the evil machinations of the staff at the Hasta La Vista Nursing Home. The job won’t be easy, however, because the hospital’s chief administrator, Arnold Schwartzeneggar, isn’t about to let them go without a fight – a good fight! If you are a fan of flying bedpans, runaway wheelchairs, and geriatric food fights, this movie won’t disappoint!

Rumor has it that television personality Ann Coulter is being considered as the lead in a female version of this same film concept. Ms. Coulter, ever the corporate lackey, will reportedly launch a venomous attack on a group of liberal biddies who are protesting the forced consumption of Metamucil at Shady Pines. Tentative title: Die Hard with a Vibrator.

Silence of the Clams:

Disney’s new underwater extravaganza shows the kid in all of us how Mother Nature really works. The clever mixture of schools of shimmering fish doing choreographed swimming in their own excrement, dancing squid and octopi, swirling streams of poisonous pollution, and a little lighthearted cannibalism – all artfully synchronized to the music of Queen – is a sure-fire winner! Look for a special guest appearance by Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Rocky 15:

Everything sags in this sad ending to the Rocky series. Sly Stallone crawls out of the ring for the last time, packs his bags, and hitchhikes to Arizona where he rents a trailer on the hot edge of nowhere and spends his golden years breeding scorpions and punching his pointless views into a daily blog. He may be permanently punchy, but he keeps right on typing!

See you at the movies!

Worse Than al-Qaeda

by Pa Rock
Outraged Citizen

It's easy to be mad at al-Qaeda. Those crazy bastards go around killing people in the name of Muhammad or Allah. Crazy people with a crazy prophet and a crazy God. Killing in the name of their God - what an outrage!

Fortunately, here in America we are better than that. Religion is ... well, religious. It's about love and peace - not hate.

And if you believe that horseshit, let me sell you a prime piece of the Sonoran Desert.

Yesterday a "good" Christian shot and killed a physician in a church in Kansas in the name and spirit of his God. You know the story by now. Dr. George Tiller, a women's reproductive health provider, was gunned down while he was handing out programs at his Lutheran Church in Wichita. The shooter, Scott Roeder, belonged to the "Freemen," a group of whackos who believe that our government is out to get us. He was once arrested for having bomb-making materials in his car. I don't believe that he has had to opportunity to speak to the press, but be assured that he shot the doctor secure in the knowledge that he was doing the Lord's work.

God Bless Dr. Tiller for even attempting to practice medicine in Kansas. The Sunflower State is, after all, the home of homophobic lunatic Fred Phelps and his equally insane daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper. Kansas has been in a long struggle as the state board of education attempted to pass "creationism" off as science education. And then there is Bob Dole. Kansas is a very strange place!

A few years ago Dr. Tiller was wounded in each arm by a deranged "Christian" woman. His clinic has been burned, and recently suffered serious and expensive vandalism. At least one statewide elected official is thought to have been feeding confidential information about the doctor to members of the state's hate groups.

Conservative clown Bill O'Reilly has been hammering Dr. Tiller as "Tiller the Baby Killer" on his Fox News (sic) Show for several years, and provocateur Ann Coulter has also singled him out for at least one of her abusive tirades. Christian charity at its finest!

Here is another side of Dr. George Tiller. It was posted at The Daily Kos today by someone who actually knew him (www.dailykos.com):

The George Tiller I Knew

by loree920

Sun May 31, 2009 at 06:45:47 PM PDT

Like many in this community, my heart is heavy today. There have been many great diaries that talk about Dr. Tiller's years of service to women, and the threats he has endured throughout the last years of his life. My story is a bit more personal and I want to share it with all of you to give you more insight into the man.

In 1975 my Mom noticed an indention in her left breast. She called and made an appointment with her OB/GYN, Dr. George Tiller. After his initial examination, he ordered a biopsy. While performing the biopsy he immediately knew that the lump was cancerous. Instead of just closing and scheduling surgery, he “grabbed a handful”, his words not mine. Her cancer Dr. credited this quick thinking by Dr. Tiller with saving her life, and due to this she didn’t even have to undergo chemotherapy.

Several years later my Mother and I were driving by his clinic in Wichita. Mom started complaining of chest pains, so I drove into his parking lot and ran in to get help. Dr. Tiller was by Mom’s side immediately, and stabilized her, before the heart attack could cause severe damage.

In 1980 I was pregnant with my first child. I had no insurance and couldn't afford a doctors appointment until I was approved for a medical card.. Mom told Dr. Tiller and he brought me into his office where he examined me, free of charge. I can credit him with the very first picture taken of my son.

The last story I have to share is about my friends who could not have children. Dr. Tiller’s office worked with several attorneys in the Wichita area to provide adoption services for his patients who wanted this option. My friends have a 10 yr. old boy now, who is loved and adored.

I’m not a great writer, so I apologize that this isn’t nearly as eloquent as some of the diaries on Daily Kos. I just wanted to get this story out to you, so you could hear how this man wasn’t just a tremendous fighter for women's rights. He was a brilliant physician, and a kind and compassionate human being. RIP Dr. Tiller and thank you for all you did for my friends and my family.

So the evil "Tiller the Baby Killer" was really a human being - and now he's a dead human being, executed by a "good" Christian who was just doing the Lord's work.

Is anyone surprised that good God-fearing Christian Americans would kill? Certainly not me. Several members of the conservative noise machine are relentless in their castigation of anything that seems directed at alleviating suffering or poverty. Their Jesus was just babbling when he talked caring for the poorest among us - and the meek inheriting the earth - yeah, right! Their God is a very old white man who doesn't like Mexicans or gays, and isn't overly fond of independent women - and those silly stories in the Bible should not be taken literally - except when they meet the greedy interests of well-heeled "Christians."

Yes, but our terrorists don't blow up buildings and kill indiscriminately. Of course they do - remember Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols taking down the Federal Building in Oklahoma City? Or Eric Robert Rudolph, the sick fuck who set off the bomb at the Atlanta Olympics? Mr. Rudolph also earned fame as a bomber of women's clinics before he became a twisted version of a folk hero as he roamed the mountains of North Carolina hiding from the FBI.

If our government was truly invested in rooting out terrorism, it wouldn't have dropped the ball in Afghanistan and rushed off to Iraq to massage George Bush's daddy issues. And if our government was truly, truly invested in stamping out terrorism, our troops would be heading off to places like Idaho and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and blasting those in-bred, gun-toting militia idiots out of their trees. Let the Middle East take responsibility for their own terrorists - we have plenty of our own to deal with here at home.

And our terrorists are just as awful as theirs - maybe even worse.

"There are few things in this world as evil as a 'good' Christian." -- Pa Rock

The Killing Rage

by Pa Rock
Social Commentator

Two weeks ago four policemen were murdered by an unemployed parolee in Oakland, California. Yesterday thirteen people were shot and killed by a fellow who had just lost his job in Binghamton, New York. And today in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, three policemen were gunned down and two others seriously wounded by a paranoid young man who believed President Obama was going to take his guns away.

It would be a cheap shot to note all of that violent death and surmise that America is going nuts. The sad truth is, that when it comes to our guns, this country has been nuts for a very long time.

The National Rifle Association, a tool of gun manufacturers, and its mouthpiece, Wayne LaPierre, have been stirring the rabble for years with tales of jackbooted police officers and liberal politicians kicking in the doors of honest citizens and trying to take away their guns. They intentionally keep the paranoia raging because that sells guns. Any sensible legislation that tries to place some controls on who can own what types of guns is shouted down as being un-American. And not only have gun manufactures and distributors blanketed America with their deadly insanity, they have now targeted Mexico and are complicit in arming the drug cartels.

This morning Roland Poplawski, a twenty-three-year-old young man in Pittsburgh, PA, opened fire on several policemen with his AK 47 assault rifle. Wayne LaPierre, or Glenn Beck, or Bill O'Reilly, or Sean Hannity, or Karl Rove, or Ann Coulter, or some other great talker had convinced him that President Obama was going to take his guns away. What a shame that somebody hadn't taken them away - three families wouldn't be grieving tonight if that had happened.

Roland, did you really need those guns in your quiet neighborhood? President Obama wasn't going to get your guns. Those people lied to you. But the state of Pennsylvania did get your guns, and now you will never get them back. You didn't need them where you were living, but you will sorely regret not having them where you are going.

Finally: A McCain Worth Quoting!

by Pa Rock
Cultural Commentator

There are people who believe that if John McCain had remained true to his maverick persona that he perfected in the 2000 primary against George Bush, he would have beaten Obama, or at least given him a decent race. But the 2008 McCain veered sharply to the right, and crawled into bed with the batshit wing of the Republican party - the group that adorns itself with crosses, swastikas, and cheap bed linens. Unfortunately for him, the old Bush coalition didn't coalesce this time around, and John McCain learned the hard way that America truly was ready for a change.

Now, however, another McCain is emerging as somewhat of a maverick in her own right. True, Meghan McCain, the Senator's daughter from his second batch of kids, holds no elected position, but she is using her famous name to try and slap some sense into the Republican party. Meghan is a blogger who developed a good-sized fan base of young Republicans during the election.

Last week she remarked in her blog that she didn't "get" Ann Coulter and found her to be offensive, insulting, and confusing - a description that is somewhat tame - considering the subject matter. Ms. Coulter ignored the lowly blogger.

A few days later the 24-year-old Ms. McCain suggested in her blog that Republicans ought to seek compromise with Democrats. (Oh, that her daddy would listen to that bit of sanity!) Laura Ingraham, a right-wing radio mouthpiece took issue with that bit of commonsense, and replied with a tried and true Republican staple - insults. Ingraham referred to Ms. McCain as "a Valley Girl gone awry" and a "plus-sized model." (Or, for those encumbered with a home-schooling degree, dumb and fat.)

Meghan was on The View and struck back in the spirit of her old man back when he wasn't afraid to speak his mind. She informed the nation that Laura Ingraham could "Kiss my fat ass!"

You go girl! A little straight talk never hurt anybody!

Ann Coulter and the Quest for the Larry Craig Memorial Bathroom Stall

by Pa Rock
Tourist

It has been a long, hard day on the road. I woke up at my apartment in Goodyear fifteen hours ago, drove to Phoenix, caught a flight to Minneapolis,and flew from there to Kansas City. Carla met me at the airport in Kansas City and gave me a tour of the places here that are important in her life. As we talked and got reacquainted, forty years of our divergent lives slipped quietly away. We capped off the evening at a restaurant called the Peachtree that specializes in soul food and soulful jazz. Carla's good friend, Millie Edwards, was singing there along with a very talented keyboard player and bassist. I could have listened to that sweet music all night long!

Today was my first visit to the great state of Minnesota, brief though it was. There was a blanket of snow on the ground that was truly beautiful from the air, especially to my old Ozark eyes that have been deprived of the sight of snow for a couple of years now. I saw lots of barren, white countryside as we were descending. It reminded me of flying over the tundra on a flight out of Sweden a few years back.

The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport does not appear to be too large, though I did hear a couple of overhead pages about boarding for the Tokyo flight. One of my main objectives while there was to try and locate the Larry Craig Memorial Bathroom Stall. But try as I might, I couldn't find any signs pointing to the most famous tourist attraction at the MSP Airport - or probably in the entire state of Minnesota for that matter! I'm sure there must at least be a brass marker somewhere, but I missed it. Oh well, maybe I'll break down and ask for directions during my return flight next Sunday.

I did cruise through a couple of bookstores at the airport - a weakness of mine. One of the things that I enjoy doing in small bookstores is finding books by Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly and turning them around or around and over. When I am in larger bookstores, my thing is to take Coulter and O'Reilly books and hide them. I get a kick out of hearing befuddled sales clerks telling people, "That's odd. We had two-hundred-and-fifty copies of that book just before lunch."

Ann Coulter, a bitter, right-wing opinionator who is to journalism what Nancy Grace is to law enforcement (completely useless), has a new piece of trash out entitled Guilty, which she has been shamelessly hawking on any media outlet that will put up with her. (You undoubtedly heard about her flap with the Today Show where she finally bullied her way onto the program.) One of the Minnesota bookstores today had just a few copies of Guilty, and I quickly turned them all around so that Annie's face wouldn't unduly distress the harried travellers who wandered in for a candy bar or newspaper. There was another bookstore, however, that had at least a hundred copies of her latest bound doggerel forming a ceiling-to-floor wall of fear. I debated what action to take and finally left it alone. That is another challenge that will have to wait until the return flight next Sunday!

Of Lipstick and Pigs

by Pa Rock

The amoral majority of the Republican Party has worked its way into a major snit over Senator Obama's remark about McBush's policies being like those of Bush - and if you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig! Not fair, they blubber, because Sarah Palin already had associated herself with lipstick, and therefore Obama was calling her a pig. Those gentle Christian souls in the Republican Party are appalled by the blatant sexism.

Republicans appalled by sexism? Well, who'd a thunk it? After all, haven't they prided themselves as being the all-inclusive political organization that valiantly fights to ensure equality for all. Why, they had almost three dozen people of color at their last national convention...and three dozen out of three thousand ain't too shabby! President Lincoln would have been so proud!

The awful truth is, of course, Abraham Lincoln was probably the last Republican leader to give a rat's ass about anyone other than himself, his family, his bank account, or big business. The only thing that the Republican Party maintains from the days of Lincoln is the spelling of its name.

The McBush campaign's "horror" at the sexism supposedly espoused by Senator Obama is as funny as it is sad. The phrase, lipstick on a pig, is older than I am, and it is something that politicians like to throw around every so often because it conjures up such a vivid image. Why, John McBush himself has used that same tired old line on numerous occasions. But he can do that because he's not sexist. Right?

John McBush who publicly referred to his wife as a "cunt" didn't really mean to denigrate women. Why most women enjoy hearing terms of endearment like that, don't they? And then there's the John McBush who has told the "joke" about why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly - because Janet Reno is her father! That's a real knee-slapper, John. You're a funny guy! You ought to capture ninety percent of the women's vote when they consider Obama's sexism and your astounding sense of humor! (Maybe we should update your very funny joke to fit the current political scene. How about changing Chelsea Clinton to Meghan McCain, and Janet Reno could be updated to someone truly hideous, like, say, Ann Coulter!) Wouldn't that be a hoot, John!

Keep talking crap and nonsense, John! If we can all stay focused on silliness like lipstick and pit bulls and pigs and field dressing a moose, maybe no one will bother you with questions about the economy, the Oil War, health care, immigration, and education - the complicated stuff that American's shouldn't worry their pretty heads over anyway. Your crew of lobbyists will take care of those thorny issues when they open their offices in the White House.

And as for you, Caribou Barbie, don't worry about what mean old Barack said. I'm sure he meant no offense. And even if he did, Pork Chop, you're in the big leagues now - so get over it!

Obama's Mamas

Barack Obama has had some stellar endorsements within the past few weeks, and surprisingly, at least to me, several have come from Hillary Clinton’s strongest demographic: middle-aged and older white females.

Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg endorsed the Illinois senator a couple of weeks ago in an editorial in the New York Times. She said that she came to that decision after listening to her three teenage children, Rose, Tatianya, and Jack, who felt that Obama offered America the kind of optimistic challenges that their grandfather had put forth in 1960. Kennedy Schlossberg immediately went out on the campaign trail with the candidate adding the luster of her presence to the vitality of his.

Clare McCaskill, Missouri’s newest U.S. Senator and a rising star in her own right, has endorsed Obama and is featured in some of his national television commercials. McCaskill said that she, too, was influenced by the excitement that his campaign instilled in young people, particularly her own daughter.

Governor Janet Napolitano of Arizona climbed on the Obama bandwagon several weeks ago. She helped him campaign in Nevada and Arizona, and has done television commercials for the candidate. Napolitano, a dynamo in her own right, has energized the Obama campaign in the Southwest.

Governor Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas endorsed Obama, a Kansas native. Sebelius is a strong Democratic political figure in the very red state of Kansas. She is also the daughter of a former governor of Ohio, the popular John J. Gilligan.

Three of Bobby Kennedy’s children endorsed Billary, but Mama knows best. Ethel Kennedy, ignoring her wayward offspring, threw her Camelot clout to Barack Obama.

The Governor of California may have cast his lot with John McCain, but California’s First Lady, Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger, a Kennedy cousin, walked onto the stage at an Obama rally this weekend and announced her endorsement of him. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the California Governor’s Mansion!

And then there are two other endorsements that, while they do not come from the ranks of middle-aged white females, do bear a significant influence on that particular demographic. Oprah, an enthusiastic Obama supporter, is clearly one of the most influential women in the world, and her opinion matters – especially to women.

The second endorsement of note comes from Garrison Keillor, the creator and host of the radio program, A Prairie Home Companion. Keillor’s radio persona is beloved by millions, especially older Americans – of both sexes. His character hails from Lake Woebegone, Minnesota, where “the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the children are above average.” And Keillor’s women are indeed strong, but their hearts (or at least his) belong to Obama.

It must be mentioned that not every notable middle-aged white woman has jumped The Good Ship Billary to endorse Obama. One case in point is the anorexic, hate-mongering hag – Ann Coulter. Coulter has threatened that if John McCain is the Republican nominee, she will campaign for the “more conservative” Hillary Clinton. That should knock Billary down ten or twenty points in the polls!

Go, go! Go, Johnny go!