While none of the current potential Republican presidential candidates stand a snowball's chance in hell of defeating President Obama, they are, by-and-large, one of the most interesting assemblages of wannabes ever to trot across the American political stage. They are so colorfully crazy that one is left to wonder if they all graduated from the same clown college.
Donald Trump made some noise about birtherism before ducking out of the Presidential race just in time to renew his reality show contract. Haley Barbour threw in the towel when he came to the sad realization that waving the Stars and Bars and wistfully singing Dixie couldn't pull in enough votes to carry his own state of Mississippi, much less the nation. The Reverend Mister Huckabee couldn't give up the star power (and income) that he has generated as a Fox News personality.
And those are just the quitters.
Mitt Romney pulled in $10 million in one day earlier this week - and nothing says "good Republican" like cash from fat cats. But the Mormon Romney is being pilloried by members of his own party for getting a health care plan passed in Massachusetts that is remarkably similar to our new national health care plan that was finessed through Congress by the Obama administration. And no matter how much Mitt says that the Massachusetts plan was a "state's rights" move, it still smells like socialism to the mouth-breathers of the Republican Tea Party.
Mitch Daniels of Indiana is a non-starter if for no other reason than the teabagger riffraff isn't going to be able to distinguish between the names Mitch and Mitt. He is also being described as a centrist, and the baboons don't want no stinking centrist. Jon Huntsman, a Mormon with a pretty smile - like Romney - is also being cast as a centrist. Rushbag Limbaugh is promoting his conspiracy theory that Daniels and Huntsman are both losers whose candidacies are secretly being promoted by the Obama White House. (We'll know for sure if they start arriving at campaign rallies in black helicopters!)
Sarah Palin is unlikely to run for President out of fear that she might win and actually have to go to work. Also, she has doubts about whether she could tweet her way through the budgeting process and foreign policy decisions. And the salary would be a pittance compared to what she makes traveling the country and talking nonsense to the rubes.
Michele Bachmann wants to be President in the worst way. She and her husband are reportedly waiting on God to send them a campaign manager. Good luck with that, Michele. God may work a few miracles, but I doubt if she can stir up one big enough to land you in the White House - though if she did, the joke would definitely be on us.
Rudy Guiliani - another bad joke. His Florida strategy in 2008 was a flop and ended his presidential possibilities, whether poor Rudy recognizes that fact or not.
Newt? God I love Newt! What's he on now - wife number three or wife number four? Is this the one that he was having the extra-marital affair with while he was ravaging Bill Clinton for the same thing - or was it the last wife? Did you read where Newt recently had an unpaid bill at Tiffany's (the New York jeweler's) for $400,000 to $500,000? That really ought to sit well with those Iowa farmers whom he will be smoozing this winter! And then poor old Newt goes and picks a fight with Congressional Republicans over their plan to eviscerate Medicare. Those nasty elephants won't forget!
Little Ricky Santorum is proving to be dangerously dumb. Today he went after the 2008 Republican standard bearer, John McCain, saying that the crusty old senator from Arizona doesn't know anything about interrogation. A smuck like Santorum has the cajones to tell McCain, a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for six years, that he doesn't know anything about interrogation! Memo to the Rickster: water-boarding doesn't work and Obama got Bin Laden - live with it!
Herman Cain, the pizza mogul who is running as a successful businessman, will not be the face of the Republican Party in the fall of 2012, primarily because his face is black. He has also proven to be intolerant by making remarks such as he would not put a Muslim in his cabinet - a plus for the party of intoleration, but probably not something that would serve him well in a general election in must win states like Illinois and Michigan.
Ron Paul, anyone? He's a big man with Libertarians and anarchists, what with his love of guns and all, but the corporate end of the Republican Party is never going to throw its support to someone as anti-rules-and-order as Paul. His followers are so far up in smoke that their feet seldom touch the ground.
Rand Paul, the young "Aqua Buddha," can't get into the fray until he figures out a way to ease daddy to the side of the road.
But disregarding all of the above, if I were to get deliriously drunk and decide to vote a Republican Presidential primary ballot, my vote would definitely go to Gary Johnson, the former Republican governor of New Mexico. Today, in fact, singer Willie Nelson, the defacto head of the "Teapot" Party endorsed Johnson. Nelson, a long-term, pot-smoking fiend, likes Johnson's pledge to legalize the herb that God chose to put on our earth. Governor Johnson, unlike Ron Paul, admits to having smoked marijuana for medical reasons - and jokes that he never exhaled!
If the Republican Party really did believe in individual freedoms and a very limited role for government, Gary Johnson might be their boy in 2012 - but since they by-and-large don't practice or believe in what they preach, the former governor of New Mexico is not likely to make it off the campaign bus. But hey, if he's in there with Willie, things could be a lot worse!