Friday, November 25, 2011

The Twilight of the Twilight Movies?

by Pa Rock 
Social Commentator and Film Critic

The worst part of Thanksgiving Day wasn't the cheeseburger that I ate at Burger King after my plans for the day fell through.  And it wasn't pushing my way through the PX with the other holiday losers.  No, the absolute worst part was the God-awful movie that I stumbled into as the day was drawing to a close.

I have seen two previous Twilight movies and found them to be entertaining diversions.   Perhaps, I naively thought, the new episode in the franchise might be an acceptable way to spend the remainder of Thanksgiving Day.  I chose to go the the 4:30 p.m. showing  knowing full well that it would have an abundance of obnoxious young teens who were being neglected by their parents so that they could run wild and terrorize me in the process.  But I am a tolerant individual, so what the heck. Besides, the next showing wasn't until 8:00 p.m. which would be edging up dangerously close to my bedtime!

I sat on the back row where it is so loud that the little darlings would be unable to talk and be heard during the movie.  (The back row is directly under the theatre's speakers.)  After getting comfortable in my seat, four of the awkward monsters pushed and kicked their way into the row in front of me -three girls and a boy, all about twelve years of age.  The movie hadn't started yet, but the group remained remarkably quiet anyway - that is until another twelve-year-old girl came traipsing up the aisle.  They called her over and she sat down directly in front of me.  She told them that she had just finished watching the previous showing of the movie, but her mom had not come to pick her up so she was going to watch it again.

Great parenting, Mom!

Then the new girl and one who was two seats down (they had the boy in-between them making him a real "tweener") started a conversation about who they hated at school and why - and the more they talked, the more dramatic and louder they got.  I put up with their pre-adolescent drivel for fifteen minutes, knowing that when the movie started, their drama would come to an end and we could all focus on the cinematic drama.

The national anthem played and we all stood.   The national anthem ended and we all sat.   And then the blessed noisy previews started.  Things rattled along fine until the feature presentation began.  The girl who had already seen it got bored very quickly and began texting her friend two seats down.  They traded texts for about half-an-hour before the princess got up and left the theatre.  I doubt that it had anything to do with the old man who accidentally kicked her seat every time she opened her flip-phone, but you never know!

Sadly, it turns out that the unsupervised children were the most interesting part of the experience.  The Twilight Saga:  Breaking Dawn Part One is a stinkbomb!  The first third of the movie dealt with preparations for Bella and Edward's wedding, and the last two-thirds focused on Bella sitting around pregnant waiting on the birth of her demon child.  Jacob ran across the screen shirtless on one occasion, and several marines in the audience hooted.  That basically describes the entire movie.   It was draggy, dull, and dumb.  Even the twelve-year-old's got bored with it quickly.

But sadly there will be another in this soapy franchise.  The Twilight Saga:  Breaking Dawn Part Two has already been filmed and is in the can.  And my guess is there will be a few more of these affronts to basic intelligence before today's adolescent wannabes age out of the cycle and their younger siblings show an interest in something even more banal.   Parents, after all, have to get their kids out of the house every now and then!

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