Dear Walmart Shopper,
I just wanted you to know that I managed to climb into the bramble patch are retrieve the plastic Walmart bag that you pitched out of your claptrap car's window as you were speeding down our country lane yesterday. Yes, I did get a few cuts and scrapes as I fought my way through the briers, but please don't worry because I am fine. I treated my injuries with an anti-biotic ointment which I purchased in the medical aisle of one of our independent grocery stores.
Having a variety of local businesses is important to me. I support these noble independent merchants by staying out of Walmart.
I have to pay a little more to shop in locally owned businesses, but its worth those extra pennies not to have to go wandering aimlessly through Walmart filling my cart with Chinese crap that I neither need nor even actually want. And the best part of not going to Walmart is knowing that I won't get stuck in a line standing behind you and wondering why you don't spend your money on soap and deodorant instead of cheese puffs, cigarettes, and beer.
Just because I don't shop at Walmart, however, doesn't mean I don't support the coven of billionaires who own it. I pay taxes which helps to support all of the non-negotiable infrastructure demands that the Walton's make on a community before they will even consider planting one of their stores in the local setting. My taxes also help to insure that adequate welfare programs will be in place to subsidize the below-the-poverty-line crap wages that the company pays its serfs.
And, just so you know, if our local Walmart puts up a food donation box in the employee's lounge so that their workers can enjoy a Christmas meal - like was reported in one of their stores a couple of years ago - I will support that as well. In this day and age no one should have to suffer the pangs of hunger - especially people who have proven that they are willing to do anything to make a living - such as cleaning septic tanks or working for Walmart.
I also showed my support for local Walmart employees by participating in a protest in front of the local store after an employee who was a bit over-zealous in price-matching was fired shortly before he was eligible for a pension.
Fall is fast approaching and as soon as my large trees drop their leaves, a few Walmart plastic bags will invariably find their way into the uppermost branches where they will wave for months in the winter breeze like so many vulgar Walton family flags. I will have to suffer those obscenities until the winds of spring tear them away - but I'll be damned if I salute.
So, Walmart Shopper, keep enjoying those cultural outings to the Super Center. It's a great place to show off misspelled tattoos, spandex shorts, and exposed beer guts. And throw your trash wherever you damned well please. This is America, after all, and you have rights. They're listed in the Bible.
And the next time you roar by my place, give a honk. I'll probably be up in one of the trees.
All the best.