Anti-masturbation teabagger, Christine O'Donnell, fresh from her Republican Senate primary victory in Delaware, has just hit the streets with her proposed "Guidelines for Federal Employees." The modest proposal will be distributed on the windshields of cars parked at Catholic and fundamentalist Protestant churches across America every Sunday between now and the return of Christ, or the November general election - whichever comes first.
Regarding this clearly important and necessary set of rules, early reports indicate that Sarah Palin will tweet the entire document, line-by-line, Glenn Beck will read it while crying shamelessly from his television pulpit, Senator Jim DeMint will propose it as a Constitutional Amendment to replace odious Number Fourteen, and the Texas Board of Education will make reading it a requirement for high school graduation - replacing the requirements to be able to write coherently and cipher into the three digits.
In an exclusive interview with Fox News and the Wasilla Baptist Beacon, Ms. O'Donnell said that God has told her of His concern over the time and energy that Americans expend in the act of masturbation - time and energy that could be better spent raising money to build mega-churches with multiple in-door basketball courts. Ms. O'Donnell said that in an effort to appease her angry God, she has drafted the following guidelines to keep Federal employees from pleasuring themselves at work, and, hopefully, at home as well.
(It was unclear whether Sharron Angle was present at the meeting between Christine O'Donnell and God or not.)
Christine O'Donnell"s Guidelines for Federal Employees
1. Federal employees must realize that their time belongs to the taxpayers of America. Because Americans expect an honest day's work for an honest dollar, any acts by federal employees whose primary purpose is personal stimulation or self-gratification is henceforth expressly forbidden while employees are on the government's clock.
2. Self-gratification practices outside of the workplace are also highly discouraged. Not only does unbridled lust dull the intellect and cause skin conditions that run up the cost of government health insurance, it also spreads depravity like any other sexual disease. If federal employees feel they must release sexual energy, they should do it at home, in bed, with their opposite-sex legal spouse, under the covers, in the missionary position, between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. - a maximum of two times per week, and never on Sunday!
3. Photographs of Senator O'Donnell and Senator Angle will be placed in all federal offices to discourage any sexual daydreaming. In offices known to be especially lust-prone, a photograph of Arizona Jan Brewer will also be added.
4. The use of "hands-free" telephones by federal employees is henceforth forbidden.
5. Federal employees must wear work gloves any time that they are not at their desk or within the clear view of at least three co-workers.
6. Federal restrooms are to be used only for relieving bladders (Number 1) and bowels (Number 2) - and Christian prayer.
7. Timers and alarms are to be placed on all federal restroom stalls. Staff may use a restroom stall for it's intended use (see #6) one time before lunch and one time after lunch. Time in the stalls must not exceed five minutes without the express written consent of the employee's next two levels of supervision. Staff using the restroom stalls must keep their hands within clear view of the camera.
8. Restroom videos will be reviewed on a random basis by committees composed of local true Christian ministers. Any tapes that feature minors will be reviewed by committees of Catholic clergy.
9. Male federal employees are expected to dress for work as they would for church. Remember, you can never go wrong with a suit and tie.
10. Female federal employees are expected to be conservatively attired in feminine garb: long dresses with long sleeves and sensible shoes will always be appropriate. Christian females, especially those who are single, are encouraged to wear veils so as to not entice their male counterparts into acts of self-gratification. In an effort to combat terrorism, Muslim women are forbidden to wear veils. Also, all female employees are encouraged to let their hair grow long out of respect for the teachings of St. Paul.
11. Remember, working for the federal government is a privilege - don't abuse it!