More Good Shepherds

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

Repent!

That is the advice that I would give anyone who has the temerity to send money to television evangelists or religious charlatans who are whore mongers (like Jimmy Swaggart), unfaithful to their wives (Jim Bakker), hypocritical gay crackheads (Ted Haggard), dangerous pedophiles (Tony Leyva, Tony Alamo, and several platoons of Catholic priests), or just generally deranged (Wiley Drake).

If you support scum like that, repent!

Tony Alamo made the news today. He is a televangelist from Arkansas who has been accused of taking young girls across state lines for sex. Today one of his wives told about Alamo's graphic description to her of him raping an eight-year-old girl while she clung to a stuffed animal. Fortunately for the world in general and little girls in particular, Alamo is under lock and key and currently on trial in a Federal Court in Texarkana, Arkansas.

Prosecutors are making the case that Alamo married the 8-year-old girl and repeatedly sexually assaulted her. He is also accused of raping or sexually assaulting (like there is a difference with victims that young!) at least four other girls.

The adult woman, a witness against Alamo in the trial, said that she has been involved in his ministry since the age of three. She said that the 74-year-old Alamo told her that she should not question "what the Lord told me to do."

Tony Alamo's defense: The U.S. Government and the Vatican are conspiring against him.

What a shame the Feds don't have the legal authority to impose a penalty involving the use of a dull paring knife!

Great Balls of Fire!

by Pa Rock

Number Two Son (Ah so, Mr. Chan!) has asked me to revisit the night that I saw Jerry Lee Lewis in concert. I will try to honor that request, but as I step into the land of country music and hillbilly rockers, the temptation will be mighty strong to ramble. Be forewarned, be very forewarned!

Jerry Lee Lewis, aka "The Killer," was on a program with Porter Waggoner and Dolly Parton at the Shrine Mosque in Springfield, Missouri, sometime in the very early 1970s. I am certain that some lesser stars were there also, but those three were the headliners.

Lewis, a native of Ferriday, Louisiana, grew up banging on a piano and talking Jesus with his two equally ambitious cousins, Mickey Gilley and Jimmy Swaggart. He toured with the likes of Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash in the 1950s. (If you haven't seen Walk the Line, do it!) He fell into public disfavor in the late 1950s when he travelled to England to perform, accompanied by his third wife, Myra. A reporter at the London Airport discovered that not only was Myra just 13-years-old, she and the 23-ear-old Lewis were first cousins (once removed). Gotta love those hillbillies!

See, I warned you that I would ramble!

Jerry Lee Lewis (and Cousin Mickey, too, for that matter) can do anything with a piano. That night he pounded out several songs, and then ended the show with his signature number, Great Balls of Fire. Our group was standing watching him get crazy at the piano - and he was standing also. The music was raging by the time he kicked the piano bench off of the stage and into the audience. And then he was pounding the keyboard with his butt, and then he was back to leaning into over the ivories and attacking them with both hands - never missing a note or a beat - and then...and then we all gasped in amazement as "the Killer" lunged into the final few bars of the song with both hands and a foot beating Great Balls of Fire out of a piano that was probably just as shocked as we were!

There was a television documentary on Jerry Lee Lewis a few years ago that strongly indicated that his nickname, "the Killer," might be appropriate due the strange deaths of a couple of his wives.

Dolly Parton, you ask? That Dolly Parton? Yes, there was a time many years ago, just after Dolly stumbled down out of the hills of Tennessee when she and Porter Waggoner were a singing duo. They were together several years and even had their own television show for awhile. Dolly finally broke her contract with him and headed out to Hollywood where she became the caricature that we all know and love today. Even though there was a lawsuit when she broke her contract, she and Porter eventually patched things up. Dolly's song, I Will Always Love You, (the one that made Whitney Houston a bazillion dollars) was written for Porter. When Porter Waggoner lay dying in Nashville last year, Dolly came to the hospital and sat at his bedside. (That was probably more than you wanted to know.)

Porter Waggoner, after he lost his Dolly, went on to be a regular host for thirty-minute segment at The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville where he pitched Martha White Cornbread, emceed, and sang a few songs. The last time I saw him was at the Opry on March 4, 2006. I am certain of the date because they announced at the show that it was the 10th anniversary of Minnie Pearl's death - and I looked that up on Wikipedia! He was a shrivelled little, old man who had to read his song lyrics from cheat sheets as he sang. I was at the Opry that night because the 14-year-old daughter of my good friend, Cheryl Belfiore, was performing for the first time with the Opry's regular group of square dancers. Melanie was fantastic! It was a good thing that Jerry Lee Lewis wasn't around!

What, me ramble?

Holy Parasites

A couple of weeks ago I waxed bitter about Catholicism for several paragraphs, and now I am inspired to give the same attention to the Protestant arm of Christianity. Both groups appear to be fueled by the same inspiration, greed, but while Catholicism takes from the poor and needy to gild its cathedrals and stack gold in the Church’s vaults, Protestant thievery is often more personal. A few cases in point:

A televangelist in Georgia, Creflo Dollar, made the news last week by refusing to turn over financial documents from his World Changers Church to the US Senate Finance Committee. That committee is investigating several megachurches to see if they are violating their tax-exempt status by purchasing luxury items for their clergy. The Reverend Dollar lives in a 2.5 million dollar mansion in Georgia, has the use of an expensive Manhattan apartment, and drives a Rolls Royce that is owned by his church. It’s a small wonder that he doesn’t want the Feds nosing around in the accounts of his church.

A few weeks ago Oral Roberts University, an educational arm of Oral Roberts Ministries, was back in the news with allegations of university funds being misspent by ORU President Richard Roberts (Oral’s son) and his family. The allegations ranged from family members accepting expensive gifts from ministry members, to misusing their power to have university and ministry employees come to their home to do their daughter’s homework on a fairly regular basis. Roberts’ wife spent nearly forty thousand dollars at one store in a year on her personal wardrobe, and the family spent almost thirty thousand dollars to fly their daughter and some of her friends to the Bahamas for a senior trip. That trip was billed to the university as an “evangelistic function of the president.” Richard’s wife, a member of the University’s Board of Regents, had a penchant for texting male students late at night, and reportedly had cell phone bills in excess of $800 per month. (She is guilty, at the very least, of not shopping around for a better phone plan!) There was also an allegation that Mrs. Roberts had a senior maintenance employee fired so that he could be replaced by one of her young male friends. And then there was an allegation that Richard and the Missus had their home remodeled eleven times in fourteen years. Are you getting the picture?

Twenty years ago, Oral Roberts, the founder of ORU who has conversations with God, holed up in his Prayer Tower at ORU to extort cash from his followers. Roberts said that God told him to raise eight million dollars for ORU or he, God, would take Oral home, presumably to Heaven. Oral finally got his cash and was able to leave the Tower victorious, but not before Chicago columnist, Mike Royko, filleted and barbecued him almost daily. Royko noted that it was a wonderful opportunity for God to prove his existence by taking Oral. God didn’t pony up, but the suckers did.

Or how about Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker? They built Praise the Lord (PTL) Ministries into a multi-million dollar operation by religiously begging to the not-so-bright who write checks in the hope of eternal salvation. The Bakkers were in the process of building a religious theme park when Jim got caught with his pants down. In addition to being involved with in an extra-marital affair with a church employee, Jim was also found guilty of twenty-four counts of fraud and conspiracy. My favorite remembrance of this couple was when a reporter asked Tammy Faye why she wore such expensive jewelry, and the heavily painted muse replied, “God wouldn’t want me to wear junk.” No indeed.

But the religious charlatans that I enjoy most of all are the greedhead ministers who are also flamingly hypocritical. Jimmy Swaggart, Assemblies of God minister from backwater Louisiana, had the unbelievable gall to expose Jim Bakker for his sexual indiscretions. Swaggart referred to Bakker as a “cancer in the body of Christ.” Within months of that statement, photos surfaced showing Swaggart in a tryst with a prostitute. A few years later, Swaggart was caught in the company of another prostitute. Instead of confessing to his flock, he told them in flat terms that God had told him it was none of their business. His salary at the time was in the neighborhood of $350,000 per annum.

Another favorite of mine is Ted Haggard, a married father of five, who was head of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals. Haggard, who had been a strong proponent of anti-gay legislation, was exposed as a meth user who regularly purchased the services of a male prostitute.

What’s it’s all about? Are they in it for the money, or the sex, or the power? Does anyone believe these con men speak for God? Are they the way and the light, or just road hazards on the path to salvation?

God doesn’t want your cash. He and/or She wants your commitment to your family, your neighbors, and your planet. It makes far more sense to kneel by a tree to pray than to dress to the teeth and worship in a megachurch. The tree, after all, is a work of God.

"There are few things in this life more evil than a 'good' Christian." --Pa Rock