A Home at the End of the Trailer Park

by Pa Rock
Desert Rat

I am now officially and completely out of Palm Valley Luxury Rentals and safely ensconced, bag and baggage, in Unit 77 at Litchfield Village. I was able to make the break yesterday by taking the day off from work and moving the last five carloads of my life on up the road to the trailer park. Now I have boxes piled inside and outside of my dwelling. It will take weeks to get it all unpacked and put away.

I have gotten into the habit of sitting on the front porch every evening and reading. Many of the neighbors walk past my place as the sun is going down, and they all stop and exchange pleasantries. It is very much like residing in a small town, something of which I am very familiar.

I have set up two small bird feeders and a birdbath in the back yard (actually, the back gravel patch). The little birds discovered them the first day. They go through about a pound of birdseed a day. When I pull in after work, they are marching around the empty feeders and making a fuss. They get fed before I even make it into the house.

I have also come up with some big planters and a few new cacti - the kind that will get very large - as well as some of those wonderfully fragrant dark purple petunias. This weekend I will be busy getting the landscaping up to my standards. Litchfield Village is a beautiful trailer court, with blooming flowers everywhere, and many giant cacti. Some are so large that they actually appear to be covered with tree bark near their base.

If you come to see me, I will probably be outside scratching in the dirt, trying my best to tame a little piece of the desert. Frozen margaritas will be served at sunset!

Animal Science

by Pa Rock
Futurist

Scientists have a long history of experimenting with animals in order to benefit the human race, and while that practice is often controversial, especially where it harms or kills the animals, it can be seen as the practical alternative to the use of human subjects. The following is a collection of stories involving animals and science that have appeared in the press over the past few months. Some are clearly aimed at the advancement of human health, while others are more frivolous in nature. This poor typist is not an advocate, only a reporter of strangeness.

The BBC recently aired a report of cloned calves from the United States that produce human anti-bodies. Four calves have been produced so far that have extra DNA which contains the genes for part of the human immune system. The antibodies, several different types, are expected to be useful in killing infectious disease agents.

Science Fiction in the News, a web outlet that compares new science with the older science fiction that spawned the ideas, had a report on human-pig hybrids that have been approved in the United Kingdom. The concept is to remove skin cells from humans who have a mutation for certain types of heart disease, and transfer those cells into pig eggs after the chromosomes have been removed. They will then make embryos from which stem cells will develop - leading to research on heart disease through the new stem cells.

Another story from Science Fiction in the News discussed goats that have been bio-engineered so that they produce an anti-clotting protein in their milk. The protein is for use with human patients. As someone who has raised little goats, I am glad that they finally have a purpose in life beyond rampant head-butting and eating expensive rose bushes.

And science also messes with animals just for the fun of it. The same web-site that reported on the pigs and goats, had a story before the holidays about modified zebra fish that glow in red and green. California had a ban on bio-tech household pets, but they were reportedly reconsidering their haste to push for public safety when the wife of one of the commissioners began pressuring her husband to change it because she wanted some of the glow fish for her aquarium - proving once and for all that it's not what you know, it's who you sleep with!

Science Fiction in the News also reported on professors from University of California at Berkeley who have developed radio-controlled rhinoceros beetles. These insects have their wings "and other body parts" wirelessly controlled and can carry a package of up to 1.3 grams on their back and still fly. This one scares me. I can imagine some evangelical potentate with the humanity of Dick Cheney loading up a squadron of beetles with nano-nukes on their backs and releasing them on an unsuspecting world. Calling Dr. Strangelove!

But my favorite animal research story has been kicking around in the popular press for several months now. Scientists in Japan are working with the frozen remains of a male woolly mammoth. The goal is to come up with frozen sperm DNA and use that to impregnate a female elephant. With luck, the scientists believe that they could develop a creature that is 88% woolly mammoth within the next fifty years. My guess is that commissioner's wife in California will want one of those, too.

I would be satisfied with a little dog, but with the charges that Palm Valley Luxury Rentals want to tack on to my monthly rent for a tiny Chihuahua, I could easily raise a woolly mammoth!

Stump Rules!

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

I have a complicated history with dogs. I’m not a fan of Pitt Bulls and breeds known for their unrestrained ferocity, particularly when it is directed toward small children and other human beings. I have a policy when I am in residence at Rock’s Roost of allowing domesticated bunnies to run free inside of my large fenced hillside, so I necessarily can’t tolerate Beagles either because they go absolutely insane when a rabbit hops by. And if you believe in the peaceful nature of dachshunds, never step between a wiener dog and a chicken. Your illusions will be broken almost as swiftly as the poor chicken’s neck.

Little yappy dogs, like little yappy kids, tend to annoy me – but I love Chihuahuas and my grandchildren. I also love Great Pyrenees and have written about those gentle giants in this space before. They were bred to herd and watch over sheep and goats, and their deep, cavernous howls will scare the hell out of any invader, two-or-four-legged. Great Pyrenees patrol all night and generally sleep all day. They also generate enough slobber to float a boat!

I don’t have room for a dog in my current apartment life, but I have convinced myself that I could shuffle enough stuff around to accommodate the needs of a Chihuahua. Last week I spoke with one of the ladies who work in the office at Palm Valley Luxury Rentals. I told the lady (who is actually very nice) that I was thinking about adopting a Chihuahua and asked her how it would affect my rent. She told me, nicely, that I would have to pay a fee of $300 plus $25 per month. Then she went on to talk about what a great idea it was, and how I needed a “little buddy” to share my life. Yeah, right. At those prices, why not get a couple!

With that background in mind, I settled down at 9:00 p.m. on Monday to watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. One of the stars of the show was Uno, last year’s best-in-show. Uno, like Miss America, had spent a large portion of his reign visiting wounded veterans, children at cancer hospitals, and doing charity appearances. He served his country and his species proudly, even if he is a Beagle.

The crown passed to a new best-in-show last night, a sexy senior citizen by the name of Stump. The 10-year-old Sussex Spaniel (that’s seventy in dog years) is the oldest champion in Westminster’s one-hundred-and-thirty-three-year history. Stump won a group title at Westminster in 2004, and then nearly succumbed to a mysterious disease. He has been a happy retiree since that time, but five days before this year’s competition, his human made a decision to enter him at Westminster one final time just so he could relive his glory days. Stump was too big to fit under the airplane seat, so he had to suffer the indignity of flying to New York as freight. His human said that the new champ will fly home first-class!

So society, be careful how you treat your seniors. That old fart gripping the steering wheel with both hands and slowing down two lanes of traffic, may just be waiting for you to make his day! Flip him off at your own peril!

The Remains of the Trip

by Pa Rock
Weary Traveler

I am safely home in Arizona, but getting here was truly a comedy of errors. Please read on...

To begin with my flight plans were a horror show, thanks primarily to my own naivete. I had airline tickets that the group bought - New York to Detroit to Kansas City - and airline tickets that I bought - Kansas City to Minneapolis to Phoenix (no direct flights!). When I boarded in New York yesterday, they would only give me boarding passes for New York and Detroit - even though all of my flights that day would be on Northwest Airlines. I did talk the clerk at Northwest in New York into checking my luggage all the way through to Phoenix.

My travels were complicated by the fact that the cold that I had been fighting for several days had settled in my head. The pressure during take-offs and landings was especially painful, and I felt like my ears were going to explode and cover my fellow passengers in industrial strength ear wax!

The day was uneventful until we tried to leave Detroit. I had a little over a two-hour window to catch my next flight out of Kansas City, but we were pulled off of the runway in Detroit to replace a compass that had gone out. While that was being accomplished, a passenger became ill, had to receive emergency medical treatment, and was removed from the plane. We had to wait on the new compass to be brought in and installed, and then we had to wait while the medical supplies that were used on the ill passenger were replaced. When we got to Kansas City, I hustled one counter over just as they began boarding for the flight to Minneapolis. Rush, rush, rush!

While I was enroute to Minneapolis, Carla called and left me a message saying that my suitcase had been off-loaded in Kansas City, and she had taken it to the Northwest baggage office and told them to get it to Phoenix pronto. When I arrived in Phoenix shortly before midnight I went to their baggage office and was told that my suitcase would be in Phoenix by noon the next day, and it would be delivered directly to me!

Great! It had been a helluva day, but life was once again beautiful. All I had to do was contact the shuttle from the Parking Spot, get my car out of hawk, and race for home where I would crash until time for my suitcase to get in.

It wasn't until the shuttle pulled up behind my car at the Parking Spot that I realized that my keys were in my suitcase - which was in Kansas City. I told the manager just to drop me at their office and I would call a cab. But a lifetime of good living suddenly paid off when the only other people on the shuttle, a young couple named Mason and Christy, asked where I lived. Goodyear, I replied sadly because nobody but me and the scorpions live that far out. Oh, they said, we live in Surprise (a community that neighbor's Goodyear), and we'll take you home. Praise Allah!

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." Blanche DuBois

On the way to Goodyear, another thought occurred to me. My apartment key was also in the suitcase that was vacationing in Kansas City. (Can you see what kind of day I was having?) I had Mason and Christy drop me at the apartment office so that I could get the management's evening number off of the door. There I discovered that those fine folks at Palm Valley Luxury Rentals no longer kept their phone numbers on the door - probably to eliminate those pesky after-hours calls. I found a young man in the apartment complex computer center and got him to let me into the office. He didn't know the number, but found it on-line. After three calls to the emergency number, I decided that Palm Valley probably wasn't that into emergencies, so I arranged couple of chairs on my porch and prepared to sleep outside - sitting up.

Almost an hour later one of the managers called and said that she would drive in to unlock my door. She assured me that she could be there in just forty-five minutes. But, a maintenance worker responded a few minutes later and saved her the trip.

I did get up this morning before my suitcase arrived. After fishing out my keys, I got on the Internet and finally located a phone number for a co-worker who was able to give me Benson's number. God love Odessa and Bobby - they rushed right over and drove me across the Valley of Hell to pick up my car.

So I'm home, my suitcase is home, and my little car is home! Tomorrow I will go back to work at a job that I love - and Barack Obama will start his new job. Things are getting better and better!

A Year in the Desert

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

Last week marked the completion of my first year in Arizona, and although I bitch about the heat, my landlords, and the blankety-blank cable company, it has been a memorable and eventful twelve months.

I expected one of the best things about relocating here from the Midwest would be my proximity to my little grandson, Sebastian, and that would have been the case had he not moved off to Oregon with his parents in February. I did get in some quality time as one of his very first babysitters, allowing Molly and Scott some brief respite from their 24/7 responsibility.

My job has also been a huge plus. I have been fortunate throughout my working life to almost always land in a good work environment, and the Family Advocacy Program at Luke Air Force Base has been all that and then some. I work with wonderful people. Recently I was offered a chance to relocate to Georgia, but turned it down at the last minute primarily because I would have felt awful bailing on my co-workers here in Arizona.

I have been to a couple of plays out here, and have another one booked. I am also going to attend a Coyotes hockey game. I have discovered some great places to eat, and I am starting to become more involved in the community. One of my more memorable outings was to see Barack Obama, Governor Napolitano, and Caroline Kennedy rock the house at a February campaign event in Phoenix. That was an evening that I will never forget.

The Phoenix Airport (Sky Harbor) has only racked up one incident of homicide by staff during the last year, and with that little transgression aside, it is a remarkably easy airport to navigate with direct flights everywhere that I need to go. This past year training has taken me to San Antonio and Washington, DC, and I have made two trips back to the Ozarks by air.

I have also put some travel miles on my little car. I made a trip to Nogales, Mexico, last February, and in August I drove to Tombstone. I also did two road trips to San Diego, with a third planned for November for Molly and Scott's wedding. San Diego is a little over five hours from Goodyear, but there is a lot to see and do along the way - including the famous date shakes at Dateland, and a wonderful souvenir emporium in Gila Bend.

Today my apartment air-conditioning isn't working - again, and my jerk-wad landlords (Palm Valley Luxury Rentals) have retaliated on my refusal to sign another contract by raising my rent - but hey, every cactus rose is surrounded by a few pricks! It's just part of life in the desert.

Moving Again!

by Pa Rock

Last night the good folks at Palm Valley Luxury Rentals stuffed a notice into my door - the preferred delivery method of class acts everywhere! My landlords informed me that should I fail to accept their terms for a lease renewal when my current lease expires (October 31), my monthly rent would go up by a hundred dollars. Yeah, right! A hundred extra per month and the air conditioning will still only work on days when it doesn't get too hot! Who could pass on a deal like that?

So today I will go buy boxes, lots and lots of boxes! And I will begin to slowly pack up my life. And I will spend the next two months living out of, and climbing over, boxes. And when the 31st of October rolls around, I will have to climb into a moving van and head on down the road.

Where will I unpack? Right now I don't know. Maybe I will find another hovel in this wretched desert and keep my job at Luke. The people there are wonderful beyond measure! Or maybe I will relocate someplace where there are seasons or a seashore, and hope that I land in another good work environment. I have a long history of being very lucky in that regard. Will my luck hold through yet another move?

Today I went to the office at Palm Valley Luxury Rentals to pay my September rent. As I was writing the check, a young man stepped up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir. I'm thinking about renting an apartment here, and I was wondering how you like this place?" So I told him.

Viva la revolucion!

The Dish on Palm Valley Luxury Rentals

by Pa Rock

Yesterday was awful! Some of it was my fault, some of it was the fault of Dish Network, but the preponderance of the blame has to rest with my landlords, Palm Valley Luxury Rentals.

My cable TV had been out for a week, and Cox was supposed to come fix it on Wednesday. On Monday I talked to my apartment manager about the possibility of getting Dish Network. She said that Dish provided more selection and was cheaper than Cox, and then she gave me a coupon off of her bill that would get us both a discount. The only stipulation was that the dish could not be attached to my apartment or placed on the roof.

On Tuesday I called Dish Network and listened in amazement as they heaped discounts and special deals on me. It would take a twenty-four month commitment, but they would move the dish free whenever I moved. After we agreed on a really good deal that was far better than Cox, I mentioned my manager's discount coupon, and they figured that on as well. We agreed on a Saturday afternoon installation between noon and 5 p.m. so that I would not have to take off work.

Later Tuesday I telephoned Cox to cancel the last of the three services that I once had with them. The fellow on the phone pulled the usual Cox crap of trying to bribe me with a special, in this case 25% off of my bill for three months if I would stay with them. I politely refused, and then hung up and took a shower.

Saturday morning (yesterday, the day from Hell) I rushed around early to get things done, including returning my cable box to Cox. At 11:15 a.m. as I was waiting in line at Target to get a prescription filled, I got one of those "the sky is falling" calls from Dish Network reminding me that they had an appointment that afternoon to install my satellite receiver. Yes, I assured them, I knew it and I would be there. We have an installer in your area now, he can be there in fifteen minutes. So I ran from Target, rushed home, and patiently waited. Later I got a call saying that I had not been home so the installer had gone to lunch and would be back in half-an-hour. It was about then that I got some sense of what the day was going to be like.

The installers showed up an hour later, a pair of very nice young men who wiped their feet on the welcome mat and marched through my apartment to the back balcony. Fifteen seconds later they were back inside informing me that my apartment faced the wrong way and there was no way for me to get their signal without putting the satellite dish on the roof. They had already been to the office and knew that they could not use the roof.

What do I do now? I asked. Maybe you should try Cox, was the response.

A few minutes later I went to my apartment office to pay the rent and to discuss the situation. The office was locked, which proved to be a multiplier to my state of dissatisfaction. When the hostess de jour finally returned she had a young couple in tow who were obviously potential tenants. There was also a young man tagging along who rents from Palm Valley and often hangs around the office.

The hostess probably sensed trouble when I cut in on her clients and asked them who they were planning on using for their television provider. She managed to get them parked in some plush chairs and turned her attention to me. I expressed my unhappiness that I had been assigned an apartment that could not receive Dish Network. Hey, the young renter who had joined in our conversation, said, why not put the dish on the roof. That's not allowed, the hostess told him and myself. But I've been on the roof, he pushed on, it's like satellite dish city up there!

Oh? Well, if I can't get Dish Network in my apartment, then I'm moving.

It was at that point that the hostess decided to call the manager. The manager apparently gave her the company line, to which I replied loudly: Okay, I'm moving. It was about then that a decision was made to let Dish place my satellite receiver on the roof.

All rightee, then. I parked my happy butt there in the office, determined to reconnect with the installers and get some television. I talked with a lady at Dish Network who told me that the installers could come back out, but that I would first have to call another office and reapply because my order had been deleted when the installers determined that I could not utilize Dish Network. She started to give me another number to call, when I sweet-talked her into just transferring me instead. She put me on hold. After fifteen minutes of silence, I hung up and tried again.

Eventually I was connected to a nice man in New Jersey who had to set my order up from scratch. His price was only $10 above what I had been quoted last week, and I no longer knew the manager's coupon number which was going to cost me also. But, what the hell. This fellow was going to get me some television!

It took the man in New Jersey another half-an-hour to confirm that the installers could come back to my apartment later that afternoon. He gave me the local dispatcher's name and number in case there were any problems. The man, who was obviously in my age range, ended the call by wistfully reminescing, Hey, Rocky, do you remember when all you had to do was take the new Motorola out of the box and set up the rabbit ears? Those were the days, my friend!

I asked the hostess to type a new permission letter for Dish Network that would allow them to place my satellite dish on the roof. It took almost one hour for her to complete the one-paragraph letter. When the same two installers arrived at 5:30 p.m., they read the letter and said that it needed to be more specific. They left word at the office as to exactly what they would need, and told me that they would see me next week after I scheduled a new time for the installation.

Maybe they will, and maybe they won't. Maybe I have become so used to life without television that I can live quite happily listening to radio. Maybe I will talk to Direct TV and see if their azimuth is more agreeable to my apartment than that of Dish Network. Maybe I will move into the trailer park down the road and let some other lucky individual have my "luxury" rental.

Maybe today will be better.

I'm So Hot I Could Puke!

by Pa Rock

The temperature was 108 degrees as I left Luke AFB this evening. And, as if on cue, I came home to find my air conditioning was out - again - and the inside of my apartment was almost as hot as the outside of my apartment. Praise Allah for my solitary fan, or I would be curled up in my refrigerator waiting on the repairmen. I like the repairmen, we've met before. I give them bottled water and they give me excuses. But they are nice guys, though.

My cable, of course, remains out until Wednesday evening. When I went to the apartment office to report the air conditioning being out, one of the managers and I started talking television service. She uses Dish Network and said that it is cheaper than Cox. (Big surprise there!) She gave me a coupon that will provide me with a discount when I sign up, and it will also give her a break on her next bill. Thanks, Monica, from Palm Valley Luxury Rentals (where the AC works most of the time!).

Things could be worse. Having no air conditioning leaves me with the benefits of a good sauna - the fat is just melting off - and pooling up around my feet! And having no television leaves me plenty of time to blog about minutiae!

If God really wants me to live in Ariizona, why is she making me suffer!