I'm not sure why, but for the first time in my nearly sixty-eight years I have received a piece of junk mail from the bullies and bigots at the National Rifle Association. Perhaps they send mail to everyone of a certain age who resides on America's back roads, I don't know, but they have for some reason or another finally found me. The letter, signed by that great enabler of school-shooters everywhere, Wayne LaPierre, literally begs me to enter their contest and win some wonderful prizes in the realm of guns, gear, and hunts.
(Have you ever thought about the name "LaPierre?" As an amateur genealogist and a student of surnames, I would suspect that Ol' Wayne's paternal descent may have dribbled from a flacid line of cross-dressing souffle-whippers, but I don't even own a gun, so what could I possibly know?)
But, back to the message in hand, the NRA is sponsoring a contest where they will give away a bunch of guns (grand prize is a collection of 24 and includes a gun safe - who even knew they believe in gun safes?), some great gear including the big prize of a Chevy Silverado pickup (nothing says macho like a pickup truck with a gun rack and tobacco stains on the driver's door), or a big game hunt where the winner can travel to Alaska and kill a mama bear tending her cubs and a grazing moose.
Glory, glory, glory! Can I have an Amen!
The NRA really, really wants me to win one of their prizes - and they would also like for me to join their fine fettle of fascists and send them some money. Oh, they say that I don't have to join the NRA in order to be a winner, but why in the name of Sarah Palin and Jesus Christ wouldn't I? They have reduced their prices and will sell me a year's membership for the unbelievable low rate of just twenty-five dollars - or I can sign-up convenient longer terms - up to five years for one-hundred dollars!
The price of membership also includes $7,500 in insurance coverage for the member and his guns. (So if you are ever accidentally shot by an NRA member while strolling the aisles of Walmart, sue, sue, sue!)
In begging for my money, Ol' Wayne fanned the flames of paranoia in his classic style:
"Remember, we're fighting powerful gun-hating politicians in Washington, DC and in the state legislatures . . . anti-gun judges . . . U.N. global ban diplomats . . . anti-gun billionaires . . . and freedom-hating media elite."Okay, I'm almost convinced to send in the entry. But Wayne, I do have one non-negotiable demand in regard to your contest. If I win a gun and you dispatch Ted Nugent to deliver it, make sure he arrives wearing an adult diaper. Otherwise he will have to remain on the porch.
Praise Jeezus and pass the ammunition! Can I have another Amen!