Some among the internet press seemed shocked by last night's election results in Iowa, but I failed to sense any seismic disturbances. Yes, America's most obnoxious blowhard bigot lost the Republican caucuses, but he lost them to an almost equally obnoxious bigoted blowhard - and neither Tweedle Dee nor Tweedle Dumb are likely to ever be given the keys to the White House. Four years ago the party's "moderate," Mitt Romney, (and the sycophantic press) declared himself to be the winner, and then hurriedly got the hell out of Ft. Dodge before the remaining votes were counted and it turned out that Little Ricky Santorum had actually won. Fundamentalist Christian Iowans like their candidates to be like Little Ricky, mean and white with plenty of negative opinions about vaginas. Trump versus Cruz had to be a very, very hard choice for most of them.
And while I'm not a fan of Mrs. Bill Clinton, I did feel a bit sorry for her as the press carefully crafted a box around her in which anything less than a decisive win was going to be viewed as a loss. It certainly took the shine off of her hair's breath victory in a state she lost to Barack Obama eight years earlier. Husband Bill, long the acknowledged master of the expectations game, is already out there this morning trying to put Bernie in that same box in New Hampshire. If Bernie doesn't win big there, then it will be another shocking "comeback" for Hillary.
Here's my unsolicited advice for a few of the candidates:
Donald John Trump: Swallow your prideful rage against women and announce today that if you get the Republican nomination your running mate will be Kentucky courthouse clerk Kim Davis. Forget about the seven spouses that you've had between the two of you and focus instead on your appealing Christian values. And spice up your speeches with some of that Corinthians stuff.
Ted Cruz,: Work on your interpersonal skills and try to make a friend or two - and quit trying to look and act so much like Joe McCarthy. America has moved past him, albeit barely.
Marco Rubio: Wipe that stupid grin off of your face.
Ben Carson: Try getting your beauty sleep before, instead of during, the debates.
Jebya: Keep spending that corporate super-pac money like it was (clean, non-Flint) water. It may not be doing you an ounce of good, but its great for the economy.
Bernie: Be prepared to defend democratic socialism and Judaism to people who can barely remember where they parked their cars - or left their loaded guns. And remember, they don't suffer intelligence kindly.
And as for you, Mrs. Clinton, when Hillary '24 rolls around - skip Iowa!