Bambi's Black Friday: The Case of the Headless Deer

by Pa Rock

Country Bumpkin

The daybreak edition of my early morning walk was interrupted  today when I came across the corpse of a large deer lying on the edge of my yard with its feet extending onto the county road.   My first assumption was that it was one of the neighborhood deer that cross the road several times daily and must have had an unfortunate encounter with one of the drug-addled hillbillies who roar up and down the country lane twenty-four-seven.  A closer inspection, however, revealed that the once proud prince of the forest had no head.  It was clearly a case of murder most foul!

I maintain one of the nicer yards in the area, and complete strangers have stopped to tell me that it looks like a park.  But while the yard generally inspires pride on my part and praise from others, there are the envious few who hoard their car trash until they have time to drive by my place and pitch it out the window - and almost as soon as it hits, I am out there with my plastic bags picking it up.  I don't tolerate trash on the yard - even cigarette butts.

But now the stakes have gone up, and the litterbugs are dumping headless carcasses.  I guess for some being drug-addled hillbillies is not enough, and they must must further justify their presence on Earth by also being assholes.  Well, mission accomplished!

I made two assumptions with regard to the deer corpse.   First, although I did not do a forensic examination of the big creature and look for entry and exit wounds, I suspect that it was felled with a shot from a rifle, and as firearms' deer season ended three days ago, it was undoubtedly gunned down illegally.  Second, from its size and from the fact that the head was removed, I am also assuming that it was a male (I didn't check that out forensically either), a buck whose head was salvaged for the antlers.  I guess that I can also assume that the person who left the carcass in my yard either does not care for venison, or that he, or she, already has a freezer or two stuffed with enough deer meat  to last through the winter.

One old fellow - though not as old as me - who was driving by in his pickup truck this morning stopped and told me that someone had dumped a headless deer in my yard.  Yes, I know - I replied - would you like to have it?  He declined and suggested that I call the local office of the state department of conservation and that maybe they would come move it.  I have called three times so far - and no one is answering their phone - and their voice mail has been turned off.    I guess those Missouri state employees are enjoying a nice four-day weekend and do not want to be bothered with my trivial issues.

My next call was to the dispatcher at the county sheriff's office.  That nice lady assured me that she would have the county conservation agent call - and a few minutes later he did.  He was also nice - and informed me that county deputies would be out after while and take the body.

And with that, the case of the headless deer will officially be closed.  

(I don't own a gun, but if Missouri's worthless legislature were to enact a hunting season on litterbugs or body-dumpers, I might invest in one!)

(Postscript:  A county commissioner just showed up in his pickup truck pulling a trailer to get the deer, and even though I have been watching the road from my living room typing window all morning, someone had managed to stop by and take the deer carcass without my seeing them do it.  The commissioner was glad that he did not have to mess with it, and I was glad to have the situation resolved!)

Now the case is closed!