Wednesday, December 5, 2012

No Reward Offered for Safe Return

by Pa Rock
Concerned Arizonan

Bloomberg News is reporting that Arizona's missing governor, Jan Brewer, is headed to Afghanistan where she will visit with Arizona troops serving in the Bush Oil War.  There has also been a report that she spent time with an Arizona wounded warrior who is hospitalized in the Washington, DC, area.

Jan is out visiting with our brave men and women in uniform.  Good for her.  It would be great if more of our career politicians, like Governor Brewer, had a firsthand knowledge of the realities and consequences of war.  However, not everyone back here in the Scorpion State speaks as kindly toward Traveling Jan.  Yesterday one of our local newspapers posted an article with this headline:
"Jan Brewer has gone to a top secret location.  No reward offered for safe return."  
It was accompanied by a mock-up missing person's poster with a picture of Old Leatherface above the caption, "No Reward."

But it's not just Arizonans who are being catty toward the nation's snarliest governor.  The comments from the general public that are appearing in the national press have been intelligent, insightful, and downright hysterical!

Fully a third of the people who have taken the time to remark upon the mystery of our missing governor invoke the memory of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the last state chief executive to disappear while on duty.  These shameless wags mention things like "Appalachian Trail," "Argentina," and suggestions of extra-marital romance.

There are also a goodly number speculating that Jan is off somewhere having a face lift.

One person postulated that Old Jan has been raptured, but then hastily added that if she has been sucked up into Heaven, he (the writer) did not want to go there for his eternal rest.

There were also some clever literary references.  A commenter suggested that Governor Brewer may have been kidnapped, but felt if that was the case she might be like the kidnapped little boy in O. Henry's "Ransom of Red Chief."  The kidnappers in that case couldn't get the boy's grandfather to pay a ransom, and finally had to pay out of their own pockets to get grandpa to take him back.

The most common literary reference, however, was to "The Wizard of Oz."  One writer thought that Jan might be off getting implants:  a brain and a heart.  Another ventured that she has suffered the same fate as her sister - and has been crushed under a falling house.

One writer wondered why the FAA had not been able to track the flight path of our governor's broom.  Another felt that her "visit" to Afghanistan might actually be an attack - and Jan is leading her flying monkey's into battle!

And then there is always the possibility that she had a close encounter with a bucket of water.

Regardless of where our esteemed governor is spending her week, many of us are hopeful that she will respect our state's laws and present adequate identification upon her return.

Papers please, Jan!

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