God and Guns Run Amuck

by Pa Rock
Social Commentator

I've written about Ken Pagano before in the Ramble. He was the Assembly of God pastor at the New Bethel Church in Louisville, KY, who had a "bring your guns to church day" at his little church last summer. I say "was" not because God's enforcer has gone to meet his maker, but rather because he has resigned from the ministry.

Yup, the God-fearing, pistol-packing minister has turned in his collection plate and is in pursuit of greener pastures. Kenny Boy, it seems, has decided to get into the church security business. He has joined forces with a New York rabbi to form a company whose goal is apparently to either provide armed guards to churches or to train church security personnel.

News flash, Ken: Churches have been very safe - at least they were before moronic ministers started encouraging their flocks to come to services armed. In fact, the only church shooting that I can remember in recent years happened in your state, Kentucky, when an armed right wing lunatic named Jim David Adkisson brought a shotgun into the Universalist Unitarian Church in Knoxville and opened fire. He was there, by his own admission, to kill liberals.

Will your new company help to protect churches that cater to liberals, or gay people, or people of color? Will it, Ken?

Ken, why don't you take your avid interest in guns and go into law enforcement. You could be a deputy in some jerkwater town, wear a badge, shoot at an occasional bad guy, and spend hours and hours salivating over your weapon. Could life get any better than that, Ken?

Glory Be to the Second Amendment!

by Pa Rock
Amused Spectator

The news was saturated with gun stories yesterday, really great gun stories!

Pastor Ken Pagano of the New Bethel Church (part of the Assemblies of God Congregation) in Louisville, KY, announced that his church will hold an "Open Carry Church Service" on Saturday afternoon, June 27th, in which church members will be invited to come to church with their holstered weapons. Pastor Pagano said that this event will tie in with Fourth of July celebrations and is intended to help the church grow its flock.

One of the on-line posters promoting this church event uses a red font resembling bloodstains with the words "Open Carry Church Service." Highlights of the event will include a drawing for a free handgun and sermons by gun store owners and operators of firing ranges. Win Underwood, owner of a local indoor firing range, said that New Bethel members regularly have outings at his range.

Pastor Pagano said that he was trying to think outside of the box for ways to increase membership at his church. He added proudly, "Not every branch of Christianity is pacifistic."

No word yet on whether the Prince of Peace will put in an appearance or personally endorse the event!

Mark Sanford, the cracker governor of South Carolina who has spent the last couple of months trying to turn down federal stimulus money that would benefit his state's schools, yesterday signed into law a bill that makes it legal to have guns in vehicles on school property. The new law does not provide for any additional oversight or enforcement. Proponents of the bill said that it would save parents time if they were called to school because they would not have to rush home to ditch their guns. It should also help end contentious arguments at PTA meetings, settle disagreements over grades, and assist football officials to see the errors in their calls!

The third gun story strikes a little closer to home - for me. A young man wanted to take his semi-automatic pistol with him on a U.S. Airways flight from Philadelphia to Phoenix. His roommate worked security for U.S. Airways. The two men conspired to switch bags as the air traveler stepped through security, allowing him to pick up the one that actually held the gun. He got on the plane with it and stored it in the overhead. Fortunately, an alert passenger observed the switch and alerted authorities; The FBI now has both of these geniuses in custody.

Here's what I think: Guns in church are a great idea! When the Holy Spirit enters the House of God and rocks the congregants, they need some way to show their joy. Not everyone can sing in the choir! And guns in school? You betcha! Every teacher needs to have the self-confidence that can only come with packing heat - and playground supervision would be a breeze! Principals might not have to spend so much time swinging the paddle if those juvenile delinquents - and teachers - knew that the principal's authority was backed up by Smith and Wesson! Cooks and bus drivers could stop disrespect in its tracks with a ready snarl and big-assed pistol! The benefits seem endless!

And here's what pisses me off: If we can take our guns to church and to school, what the hell's wrong with taking them on planes? Doesn't the Second Amendment apply in the sky. Do we lose our Constitutional rights when the landing gear goes up? Why do they call it the "wild blue yonder" if we're all strapped into cramped seats seven miles up and totally defenseless?

Free the Philadelphia Two!