Flammable Fruitcake

 

by Pa Rock

Holiday Glutton

Not everyone appreciates fruitcake, I understand that, but I have always been a fan of the festive holiday staple.  While others stay busy re-gifting fruitcakes so they won't get stuck with one over the holidays, I am always happy when one makes its way to my doorstep.  If I get it, I keep it.  The fruitcake stops with me!

There is a monastery secluded in the Ozark foothills about fifty miles from where I live that is internationally famous for the baking and selling of fruitcakes on a year-round basis.  The monks from the abbey produce a quality fruitcake that makes its way to some of the world's finest holiday tables - as well as to the tables of many ordinary people who enjoy sampling the better things in life.

My life has been a merry assortment of cheap fruitcakes, but this year I decided to give my taste buds a gift and order a cake from the monastery - my first - and as I was going to all of the effort of placing an order anyway, it was no extra trouble to order one for each of my kids while I was at it.  They arrived the week before Christmas, and I cut into mine on Christmas Day.

As I pulled the lid from the attractive tin, the first thing to hit my senses was a strong, and not unpleasant, odor of alcohol.  Thankfully I had given up smoking decades ago, and last year I traded in the old gas range with the pilot lights for a new electrical model, so there was no bothersome holiday explosion, but nevertheless upon getting a good whiff of the cake, one of my first thoughts was of Robert Duvall's iconic line from "Acopalypse Now" about loving the smell of napalm in the morning!

Then I tried the cake, and it was is delicious.  One small slice left me feeling warm and relaxed, and after the second slice  I was firmly planted on the couch like a big potted ficus - hoping some kind soul would come by and water me!

There was a flyer included with the two-pound fruitcake saying that it had a shelf life of two years and would do just fine in the refrigerator for up to a year if I kept it wrapped and in the tin.  A year - hah - like that will happen!

Many thanks to the Cistercian Monks of Assumption Abbey in Ava, Missouri, for making my Christmas special!  You guys make and bake a really great fruitcake!