I don't know whether it's a talent, or a gift, or some type of weird karmic payback, but every time I get in a line at the grocery store, it immediately slows down, or stops. The line can be staffed by the fastest checker in Arizona who normally clips along at breakneck speed, but the minute I commit to joining that particular checkout line, the person up front decides to pay in pennies, or drops a change purse that sends coins rolling all over the store, or can't find the right coupon out of a stack of hundreds.
Today I only had a few items in my cart, with just a couple being frozen, so I didn't get too aggravated when the line I was in began slowing up and then came to a complete stop. I had my phone, so I could have entertained myself by checking my mail or texting (ugh!), but suddenly I found something more instructive within easy reach. There, literally staring me down, was the magazine rack featuring the tabloids.
I have read a tabloid or two over the years, but basically I lost interest when the Weekly World News quit publishing. (Watching Batman on the big screen just doesn't compare to reading about Bat Boy in the WWN!) It was good to notice that National Enquirer is still publishing. The cover story on this week's issue, "Best and Worst Celebrity Diets," was accompanied by several photographs of obscenely obese people.
January, of course, is the month of resolutions when the world vows to quit smoking or lose weight. American entrepreneurs fill the airwaves with advertisements for expensive nutritional plans and exercise equipment - all of which are unbelievable easy - so easy the pounds just slide off.
One magazine had a photograph of a slender Paula Deen on the cover leading to a story about some successful diet she had been on. This is the same Paula Deen who invented a cheeseburger that used two Krispy Kreme donuts for buns!
One of the other magazines featured a cover on the best "comfort food" to eat while watching ball games on television. I guess that was there to appeal to the people who have already given up on their New Year's weight loss resolutions.
In Style's cover promised pictures of 65 celebrities without make-up - a little something for the narcissist and voyeur in us all! And at least two other publications had leads about Jen and her man of the moment, Justin, heading to Mexico - one thought it might be an elopement and other sensed it would be more of a wild weekend.
But this is America, and we care what our vacuous celebrities are up to! (Last week a photographer died while snapping pictures of Justin Bieber's car - not taking pictures of the skinny Canadian himself - just his car!)
For those interested in celebrities who really could sing, mark those calendars: Elvis would have been seventy-eight this Tuesday. And for the political junkies: Richard Nixon would have been one hundred on Wednesday! And for those who have no idea who Elvis or Richard Nixon were, stick with Bieber and don't strain your brains!