Where Pretentious People Go to Posture

 

by Pa Rock

Curmudgeon

One of those new franchises that specialize in "fancy coffees" opened in my little berg of West Plains, Missouri, last fall.  I'm not a coffee drinker and I like my iced tea straight, so I've never been there, but it's on the busy end of town, within jogging distance of Wal-Mart, and I have driven by at various times on different days and noticed that it is always busy.

I've not stopped by or been inside.  It's in a small, unique building that is about the size of a tiny house, so it may not even be possible to get inside.  The line of cars at the drive-through window is always long, adding to my theory that the place may not accommodate sit-down business.

As I observed this new business build and maintain a strong customer base, I assumed that was due to its uniqueness in the community.  West Plains, a city of 12,000 which boasts four "Casey's" quick stops and two "McDonald's," but did not even have a Starbuck's when this new venture arrived in town, or so I thought.  I turns out, however, that when the new main section was added to our local hospital two years ago, a Starbuck's was incorporated into their food service area, no doubt as a nod to the professional medical staff.  However, not every local wants to take their morning coffee break at the hospital.

But the new place is a raging hit, probably due to its proximity to the West Plains Social Club (Walmart), and people seem to have no problem sitting in their cars hours on end just to impress the intercom baristas with their pretentious knowledge of froths and flavors.

This week I received a large flyer in the mail promoting the new fancy coffee business, my first glimpse into their product line and pricing, and that new knowledge jarred me to make and share a few observations.   The first thing I noticed on the flyer was a bold statement that the coffee and tea stand offered "OVER 20,000 FLAVOR COMBINATIONS!"       My parents and aunt and uncle owned and ran a truck stop when I measured my age in single digits, and their coffee came in four flavors:  with cream, with sugar, with cream and sugar, or basic black - and it was a nickel for a refillable cup until my Aunt Christine caused a local scandal by raising the price to a dime.

This new business has six primary categories of drinks on their selection list:  Originals, Energy, Coffees and Cold Brews, Teas, Frozen Treats, and something called Sips and Sodas - with many unique and goofy-sounding flavored drinks listed beneath each of those headings.  But for those more creative or pretentious, I guess you could always drag in some of those 20,000 flavor combinations.

No wonder the line at the drive-through window is so damned long!

Prices of these new drinks were conspicuously absent from the flyer except on two of the coupons.   From now through the end of May, smart shoppers can get two medium drinks for just $9.00, or four medium drinks for $17.00.

Do you know what else you can get for $17.00?  A damned coffee pot!  And with the money you save you might be able to put Trump gas in your car so you can get to work and make a living - and maybe even be able to send your kids to college!

Now, if you will excuse me, Pa Rock is going to go brew a pot of tea and then find something else to fuss about!