Soldiers Making Valentines

 

by Pa Rock

Retired LCSW

Two decades ago while I was working as a civilian social worker with a large Army base in the midwest, one which sent most of its soldiers to the Bush Oil Wars in the Middle East every other year or so, I started a Men's Divorce Support Group which addressed the issues and stresses of separation and divorce with men in the military, most of whom were just a few years out of high school.  A female social worker from the same mental health unit worked with me in directing the group's work and keeping it from devolving into just a general bitch session, and another staff member started a similar group for spouses who were experiencing marital trauma or break-ups.

Young soldiers, many of whom had already put their lives at risk in combat, were under immense pressures both in their work as well as in their private lives, and a long separation from a young family was traumatic not only for them, but for the spouses and children whom they had left at home.   Unstable and dysfunctional marriages were the norm.

More than a few of the spouses that I counseled on an individual basis would tell stories of their husbands who had returned from twelve or thirteen months in "the desert" and would wake up in the middle of the night screaming or sometimes even fighting and striking the wives.  The men had subconsciously returned to the war zone in their sleep, and when they awoke in the night and found someone else in their "bunk," their survival instinct was to fight and repel the invader.

The young wives, many of whom were also just out of high school and now had a husband who tended to be gone for long periods of time, and often an infant or two to care for as well, had plenty of issues related to the separations due to deployment which played out across the marriages, with infidelity often becoming as issue for both of the spouses.

There were also general issues of loneliness and feelings of isolation for the men and the women.

Our group met once a week, and with planned topics as well as things the group members brought up, we always had more than enough to stay busy and productive.

One year the date of the weekly group meeting happened to fall on Valentine's Day, and, as an old school teacher and elementary school principal, I had an appreciation for homemade valentines.   I suggested to my co-group leader that  we bring in some materials for making valentines and let the guys in the group express themselves with an art activity during the discussion of whatever topics were on tap for that day.  I went to Target the night before the group meeting and bought crepe paper, crayons, ribbon, glue, glitter, and other art paraphernalia, and my work partner brought homemade Valentine's Day cupcakes to the group meeting.  

We told the guys at the beginning of the meeting that they were free to make valentines for anyone they chose, or that they could choose not to participate in the endeavor.  Some were reluctant to join in, but by the time the group discussion really got rolling, each of the battle-hardened warriors was cutting, pasting, and having a grand time.  As the group was winding down most chose to show their efforts to the group and many had personal stories to tell about the meanings their valentines carried.

There was an abundance of revelations, and many old wounds received some much needed fresh air and comfort.  It was one of our most productive sessions, and one that the group members talked about throughout our remaining sessions together.  We also heard reports on the positive impacts that the homemade valentines had on their recipients.

When the subject of Valentine's day comes up, that's the one I always remember.

(Note:  As with nearly every public school teacher in America, the expenses involved in buying art supplies and making cupcakes came out of the social workers' own pockets - just so you know!)