My kids only send me actual mail a few times a year, but the Missouri Republican Party has gotten to where they write almost daily - and I appreciate it! It warms my heart to know that the state Republicans are not only wasting their money by sending me flyers that support their inferior candidates, but they are subsidizing the United States Postal Service in the process. Good work, fellas!
Over the past week or so I have received three pieces of campaign literature informing me of how awful the Democratic candidate for United States Senator here in Missouri, Jason Kander, is, and each making certain that I know Jason is joined at the hip with Satan, a.k.a. Hillary Clinton. All of the single-page flyers are dark black and blue with absolutely creepy pictures of Kander and Clinton superimposed with one another.
One advertisement warns that the pair of arch evil-doers, Clinton and Kander, are conspiring to take away my health care choices - that from a party that is flatly and completely opposed to ordinary individuals having any health care options other that expensive and ineffective polices through big insurers, like those companies that do so much to fund the Republican Party and pay for their direct campaign mailers. Republicans are prepared to fight to the death to end the socialist tyranny of Obamacare and its sordid mandatory provisions like coverage of pre-existing conditions and including young adults - up to the age of twenty-six - on their parent's policies.
But don't worry, America - Republicans won't be coming after your socialist Medicare and socialist Social Security until after they ax your socialist Obamacare. First things, first.
The second advertisement warns that Clinton and Kander have an energy "agenda" to kill Missouri coal jobs and spike Missouri utility bills. Who knew Missouri even had coal jobs? This is probably a flyer that was sent out in Kentucky and West Virginia and some GOP genius who was late for a cocktail party with a room full of lobbyists just changed the name of the state and ordered a big printing. And nobody likes paying utility bills, so it works as a relatively reliable scare tactic. Of course, the Republican Party spends far more time snuggling up to the big energy companies than their Democratic counterparts - a situation that actually does result in higher utility bills.
Republicans give utility companies the regulations and means to charge more to consumers, and utility companies shovel more money back to Republicans through their lobbyists. It's a sweet symbiotic relationship. But for those wanting to believe that Democrats are responsible for rising fuel and utility costs, please don't let facts dissuade you.
And if your goal is to work in a Missouri coal mine, start digging.
The third flyer addresses the contentious issue of "amnesty," again declaring the Clinton and Kander have an amnesty "agenda," and with a dire warning that the pair of miscreants are planning to make Missouri a sanctuary state. If it's one thing that the good Christians of rural Missouri won't tolerate its any form of Christian charity - don't feed 'em, don't clothe 'em, don't educate 'em, and sure as hell don't let 'em live in your neighborhood or your state.
There are two mail delivery days remaining until the election, and I fully expect the well-funded Missouri Republican Party will write again. They still haven't addressed some of America's more pressing needs, such as the advantages of segregated neighborhoods and the effectiveness of using public money to fund private schools. And surely they will address the sin of gay marriage because that came about almost entirely because of the efforts of Clinton and Kander. And even though Jason Kander can assemble a military assault rifle blindfolded, everyone knows that he and Hillary are coming to take your guns away. There is even a rumor going around that they both tolerate Muslims and want to build a wall along the northern border of Texas!
The three ads that have been mailed out so far all warn the Jason Kander is too much like Hillary, and they imply that people should not vote for him for United States Senator. What the ads do not mention, however, is any reason - any reason at all - to vote for Kander's opponent, incumbent Ol'Roy Blunt. What's the deal, Missouri GOP? Don't you have anything positive to say about your own candidate.
I know I don't.