Dear Direct TV,
My in-box overfloweth with your kind enticements to get me to return to the Direct TV "family." To tell you the truth, I felt that we both endured such obvious pain during our recent breakup, that I was quite astounded when only a few days later you sent me a cheerful note and an offer of a $200 prepaid Visa card if I would only relent and come back to the family. And while your surprising generosity was most appreciated, $200 was a bit short of the amount that it would take to lure me back into your mediocre programming, lousy service, and unanswered telephone calls.
Been there, done that.
But when your next offer came, you had shifted gears and were trying a more novel approach. Now, instead of a cash incentive, you were going to give me a lower rate - something closer to the actual worth of the service being offered. You said that you would connect me to the basic package for just $19.95 a month for a year (with no mention of what the second year would cost) - and the inclusion of some premium movie channels for three months. That was essentially (or exactly) the same service I had when we broke up (without the movie channels, of course), and my bill had just risen to over $70 a month.
Where were those bargains then?
Yesterday, I got your third offer: the $19.95 service a month for a year - and the $200 gift card! Wow, it's starting to get tempting, but my actual history and experience with your company holds me back.
Have you ever thought about eliminating all of the specials and just having an ordinary rate that would accurately reflect the value of the service being offered and received? Then fools like me would not have to pay over $70 a month to supplement all of the bargain hunters who enjoy negotiating with cable and satellite companies. Or, if you just paid half as much attention to the needs of your active customers as you do to the ones you have already lost, your prospectus might start smelling as good as a spring bouquet! But, I digress. You should run your corporation however you damned well please, and live with the consequences.
Direct TV, if you are going to continue this courtship, might I suggest that you move toward personalizing your offers. The money and cheaper rate would be much appreciated (although I do wish it was for a better line of programming), but there are other things that would be of more immediate benefit to this cranky old farmer. There is a big patch of ice behind my car that needs to be broken up and shoveled away, and right now I am staring out the window at a snowbound bird feeder which is in immediate need of filling. And mowing during the spring and summer months borders on the horrendous! Surely one of your little trucks that constantly race up and down the road, could pull in occasionally and help a guy out.
Thank you for your continued interest in bringing me back into your income-stream, Direct TV, but I'm just not there yet. I won't be calling in to negotiate a return, but if a couple of your people were to stop by - perhaps with snow shovels - I guess we could chat, or spread a little chat. But in the meantime I will be sitting in front of my computer with a mug of steaming hot chocolate and watching Hulu!
Hasta la vista, baby!