Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Romney Buys Iowa, Barely

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

With more than 125,000 votes cast in the Iowa Republican caucuses, Mitt Romney trounced second place finisher, Little Ricky Santorum, by an astounding eight votes.  The final tally was 30,015 for Romney (24.6%) and 30,007 votes for Santorum (also 24.6%).  The unemployed Mr. Romney, who rarely wins anything, pulled off this amazing victory at a cost of somewhere north of $100 per vote.  Santorum, on the other hand, spent about $1.65 for each of his votes.  Somewhere in all of that is proof positive of the corrosive effects of the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision.

Romney will take seven Iowa delegate votes to the Republican convention, and Santorum will arrive with six. Clearly both men will be claiming a victory, with Romney's being statistical and Santorum's being moral.

Since it is obvious that God, the real one and not the Mormon one, favored Santorum, the other two evangelical firebrands, Perry and Bachmann, have some serious thinking to do.  Governor Perry, who had to settle for 10.3 percent of the vote and a fifth place finish, has already said that he is flying home to Texas to "re-evaluate" his candidacy and probably ask himself "What would Tim Tebow do?"  Congressman Bachmann, who finished sixth - and for all practical purposes dead last - with a mere 5% of the votes, may have a come-to-Jesus meeting with Jesus and impress upon the Messiah just how bitterly unfair it is that evangelicals continue to be distrustful of women in positions of power.

And speaking of chatting with the Gods, Christian fundamentalist tele-huckster Pat Robertson said that he recently had a conversation with God, and the Almighty told him who the next President would be.  Pat, out of fairness to God and the electoral process, is not saying whom the anointed one will be.  But hey, it's Pat Robertson for Christ's sake, and we all know He wouldn't lie!

Here's what I think, however.  If Pat's dementia clears for a few moments, he should be compelled to tell the rest of us which candidate God has chosen.  If he won't do it voluntarily, the goons from Blackwater - or whatever name it is going by today - should be sent in to beat or waterboard the information out of him.  (What could be more American than that?)  Then we could cancel the election, save the taxpayers a warehouse full of money, and crown the next commander-in-chief at the halftime of next year's Superbowl.

Wouldn't it be great if the Broncos were in that Superbowl and God's chosen turned out to, wait, he's not thirty-five yet.  Never mind.


Xobekim said...

If Pat's dementia clears he might find God.

Anonymous said...

Pat's been off his rocker for long enough now to qualify for a first-round draft pick.
No telling how that might work out