The Politics of Bacon

by Pa Rock
Political Satirist

If the modern Republican Party was a farm animal, it would be a big, mean, stark-raving-mad hog determined to eat every morsel of slop that the farmer's wife throws in the trough - especially if doing so would deprive the other farm animals of the means to survive. The hog wants it all - and piss on those other animals because they're just looking for handouts!

The hog would be white - very, very white. It might associate with a few hogs of color, but that would just be for show - so the hog could point with pride at its tolerance as it sought to strengthen its political influence around the farm. The hog would be the great white hog, and it would be damned proud of it. And the hog would speak Hog only, and if the cows and chickens wanted to have any influence on the farm, they had better learn to speak Hog!

Oh, it would be a pious hog, claiming to own the entire concept of Christianity and ready to quote those passages of the Bible that promote greed and hatred, but conveniently overlooking the words of the man after whom the religion was named. The hog would squeal and yell and out-shout anyone who dared to have a differing point of view, and it would tell lies with less effort than some of the other animals would use in breathing. When the hog finally quit squealing, it would once again become pious - and it would light up a big cigar!

It would be a tough hog, armed to the teeth with pistols, rifles, automatic weapons, bazookas, ground-to-air missiles, and whatever else was needed to protect its spot at the trough. The gun-toting hog would have an American flag pinned to its snout and a "God hates fags" bumper sticker stuck to its butt.

The hog would be in a constant state of arousal, quickly mounting anything or anyone who happened by - House pages, Argentine vamps, strangers in public restrooms, other farm animals (or their wives), any pig in the pen, and the odd goat. After the hog had its sexual desires sated, it would stand ready to expose and ridicule the most mundane and private sexual practices of every other animal on the farm.

The hog would be horny and hypocritical, mean and dangerous, loud and offensive, pious and sanctimonious, and very ego-centric and racist. But more than anything else, the hog would be greedy because it is, after all, a hog. It would oppose anything that would benefit any other animal, whether it deprived the hog of anything or not. If the hog had a motto, it would be "I got mine - screw you!"

Today the hog is going for a ride in the bed of the farmer's pick-up. The hog is smug because it knows it's headed to the vet to get its shots. The hog doesn't have to pay anything for its health care because the farmer takes care of that. It's not the hog's fault if the other animals can't be seen by the vet because the farmer is so poor. He's just a farmer, after all, and he must give his resources to the animal that matters the most - the hog. If the farmer needed money, maybe he could butcher the cow. The hog would like to have more red meat in its diet!

But wait! The truck is headed down the wrong road. "Go right, Mr. Farmer!" The hog squeals to no avail. "The vet's office is off to the right!" Then a sign comes into view, and the hog is reassured. It can't read, of course, (it was always too busy eating to indulge in any of that intellectual stuff), so it assumes that the sign is directing the farmer to a new vet. The hog - fat, dumb, and happy - slips into a peaceful slumber as it bounces along in the summer sun. The hog is truly content.

The farmer is feeling pretty good himself, knowing there will be plenty of ham for the holidays and fresh sausage for breakfast every morning. And he will finally be able to get caught up on the vet's bill! He smiles to himself as he passes the sign that reads: "Slaughterhouse Dead Ahead."

The farm is a cooperative effort. Those who can't plant or harvest the crops, clean house, do chores, pull the hay wagon, guard the place, catch mice, produce milk, or lay eggs - wind up in the freezer.