Nuckin' Futz!

by Pa Rock

The school board of the Harrold Independent School District of Texas has voted unanimously to allow teachers to carry guns to school. Yep. You can't make up crap this weird! The good people around Harrold want their teachers to pack heat in case some deranged shooter gets into the school. With lead flying from every doorway, up and down halls crowded with screaming students, somebody would be bound to hit that evil Arab bastard!

Well, so be it. You just can't beat the problem solving skills of a Texas school board. And it may be a decent idea. A teacher plagued by discipline problems might just get a little more respect in the classroom when she plunks a .44 Magnum down on her desk. And Friday Night Lights might evoke even more excitement when some pissed off coach begins shooting them out after a referee makes a particularly heinous call.

But why stop with teachers? What about bus drivers? A terrorist could jump aboard a school bus with relative ease and take everyone hostage. If the driver in the front of the bus and the bus monitor in the back were armed though, they could catch that sucker in the crossfire and...problem solved!

And I've always worried about church shooters (so much so that I quit attending!). Shouldn't pastors be allowed to pack at the pulpit? Sunday school teachers, too. And what about Wal-Mart? Wouldn't we all feel safer knowing that Wal-Mart's non-unionized, underpaid, part-time workforce was carrying loaded weapons to protect us from retail shooters? I know I would.

In fact, let's get rid of all gun laws so everyone can carry - everywhere. Then, by God, we really would be safe! Why, the help that gun-totting citizens could provide to law enforcement would be amazing! Joe Bob could stand on the overpass and enforce the speed limit, you bet your ass he could!

Thank you, Harrold, Texas, for heralding the future! You're an inspiration to every Christian, Republican, straight, red-white-and-blue-blooded, testosterone-oozing, white American. You good old boys done real damned good!