Something Else for Congress to Investigate

 

by Pa Rock

Citizen Journalist

I have learned quite a bit about helium (He) recently, and quite unintentionally, just by reading a scattering of news sites on the internet.  I know, for instance, that that helium is so rare and important that it forms the basis of a billion dollar business.  One thing I learned from the news recently was that once the balloon bursts and the helium floats off, it is gone forever.  For the billion dollar industry to survive, more must be found.

Yesterday there was a news story about a big helium discovery in Minnesota.  The initial discovery actually occurred in 2011 when a crew drilling for platinum and palladium in Minnesota's Iron Range drilled into a pocket of gas that contained 10.5% helium, the second highest concentration of helium ever found in North America.  Drillings at the site in the last month have yielded even better results with concentrations of helium ranging up to 12.4 percent.    That's roughly thirty times the standard for commercial helium.

The gas was found at depths between 1,750 feet and 2,200 feet.

Another thing which I have learned recently is that only about three percent of helium is used to fill balloons.  The precious gas is also used for an industrial coolant and in the production of fiber optics, semiconductors, and rocket components - and it is necessary in the running of MRI machines.  Clearly balloons are a fun distraction that waste an extremely valuable and rare resource which has many more important uses.

Now, please bear with me as I digress far afield.

Concentrating on helium concentrations led me to ponder the ultimate fate of my two favorite balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:  Rocky and Bullwinkle.  And reflecting on those two great Americans brought me to the realization that there is another floating element, one which was discovered  by Bullwinkle's Uncle Dewlap.  That element is a metal called "upsidaisium," which is not yet listed on the Periodic Table of Elements.  Dewlap left his upsidaisium mine, which was located on Mt. Flatten, to Bullwinkle, and that event inspired 36 segments of his and Rocky's hit television show during its second season in 1960-61.

There were problems associated with that bequest, of course, primarily caused by Russian agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale.

The exact location of Mt. Flatten was never given on the show, perhaps out of national security concerns, but considering the fact that Rocky and Bullwinkle were both Minnesota natives - from Frostbite Falls - it would seem entirely possible that Uncle Dewlap was from that area also - and ergo, his mine might there as well.

Now, I am definitely not a believer in coincidences, but if helium and upsidaisium are both naturally occurring elements beneath the ground and lakes of Minnesota, perhaps we should be taking extreme measures to protect those valuable resources and keep them safe.  Boris and Natasha are still around, you know, only now they work for Putin, and he is far more dangerous than their old boss, Khrushchev.

Chances are Boris and Natasha are already holed up at Mar-a-Lago, poring over their charts and maps, and planning to steal the new helium supply and float it off to Moscow in a Chinese spy balloon.

Congress should investigate.  Congress MUIST investigate!  It's not like they have anything better to do!