Jesus is Coming! Jesus is Coming!

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

I know it's true because I heard it on a Fox News broadcast on the Armed Forces Radio Network yesterday afternoon.  Some group (I didn't catch their name) has announced that Jesus will be returning to earth on May 11, 2011.  That's just a little over five months away - and me without a thing to wear!  There wasn't anymore information than that - just a date.  Will the Second Coming be held outside, like Woodstock or a Willie Nelson concert, where hundreds of thousands of tickets can be sold?   Or will the event occur in one of America's holiest of holies - a Texas mega-church, the Crystal Cathedral, or maybe the gym at Liberty University?

After hearing that juicy tidbit, I came home and immediately got on the internet to get more information.  It turns out that three dates are being circulated for 2011:  May 11th, May 14th, and May 21st.  The dates are coming from people with a great deal of experience in predicting End Times - people like radio huckster Harold Camping who has previously predicted the arrival of Jesus for 1988, 1989, and 1994.   He is now set on May 11th, 2011.   Holy Harold has a "Christian" radio show called Family Radio, undoubtedly a misnomer, where he has been rattling on about the Bible mathematics he has employed in his "proof" of the date of the Messiah's return trip.  Apparently he was convincing enough that Mary Exley, an unemployed listener from Colorado Springs, Colorado, spent $1,200 of her own money on advertisements to alert other morons of the impending divine visit.

Theodore Sturgeon wrote a wonderful book several years back called Godbody in which he proposed that Jesus, a fun-loving and very sexual being, had already been back several times, but the uptight Christians kept running him off.

And Sturgeon was right.  These pious Christians would stone Jesus to death if he didn't meet their angry and bitter expectations.  They aren't going to tolerate a tolerant Jesus, and he best not practice any of that welfare crap either!  And should the poor bastard speak Spanish or have a boyfriend, well, if God doesn't smite him dead for that, the good Christians here on earth certainly will - for they know the mind of God!

Jesus, if you're reading this, please contact Erik Prince at Xe (Blackwater).  He'll set up your personal security detail - for a price - a princely price!  America and the other Holy Land are both armed to the teeth, and you shouldn't take any unnecessary risks.  This ain't your Father's Eden!