Republican Party Purity

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

Those crazy Republicans are going at it again! Just last month most of the big names in the party went charging off into the wilderness of northern New York to campaign for a third party candidate for Congress because their own Republican candidate was too liberal. The bit of political skulduggery cost them the seat - the Republican lost, the Conservative lost, and the Democrat won - just in time to vote for health care reform!

They were so successful at giving away a congressional seat that had been held by Republicans since the Civil War, that now they are taking their plan to purify the party nationwide! Some members of the Republican National Committee are circulating a resolution that puts forth ten loyalty tests for Republican candidates. They want the full RNC to agree to not give money or an endorsement to any candidate that doesn't support at least seven of the ten "pure" conservative positions. Those that are judged by the party to be "impure" will have to self-finance their campaigns or go find a home elsewhere.

These ten pure conservative principles are based on on the myth that they are what God (Reagan) would have wanted. But, as Keith Olbermann pointed out on Countdown earlier this week, even the almighty Reagan would have failed this litmus test!

Here is the list of beliefs that future Republican candidates may have to openly embrace in order to prove their party loyalty. Good luck, Comrades!

1. We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits, and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill.

First off, crackheads, the original stimulus bill was sent to Congress by the Bush administration, those good folks who came within a whisker or two of bringing on an economic depression that would have made Hoover's (also a Republican) look lame by comparison. Second, while Republican Presidents and elected officials are religiously opposed to spending any money on the poor or minorities, they are always eager to fund wars and provide welfare to the rich. Some of the most significant debt in our nation's history has been piled up by Republican administrations.

2. We support market based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run health care.

Or, in simple English, those enormous insurance companies that give us tons of campaign cash should be left in charge of determining who gets what health care - and at what cost. Again, Republicans do not give a twisted turd about the plight of the working poor who often hold down multiple jobs and still can't afford health care.

3. We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation.

That's a two-fer. It means that they don't want any government interference in the energy marketplace, and screw the environmentalists. Those big oil companies have always been our friends, right?

4. We support worker's right to secret ballot by opposing card check.

Republicans oppose unions, in perpetuity! If there was a way for the rich to run their factories without workers, they would do it. As it is, they now have to ship jobs off to places like Bangladesh and the Banana Republics in order to find slaves willing to work for pennies. Republicans also oppose the concept of a minimum wage and take great pride in fighting against increases in the hourly wage.

5. We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants.

Translation: If you had the audacity to be born brown, get the hell out of my country - after you finish doing the yard work and scrubbing my toilets!

6. We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges.

Actually what they support is the military-industrial complex that Eisenhower (a different kind of Republican) warned us about. They support big defense contractors who dump money in their campaign war chests. They support wars that their children don't have to fight. Wars are the big reason that Republicans fail so miserably at meeting Goal #1.

7. We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat.

Again, what they really support are their fat cat friends who get rich selling the machinery of war.

8. We support the Defense of Marriage Act.

Fuck that! Republicans are such moralistic bastards! Senator Larry Craig, a married Republican, propositioned a man for sex in an airport bathroom. Senator John Ensign, also a married Republican, had an affair with a married staffer on his payroll, and then tried to buy his way out of the resulting mess with cash and jobs for her family members. Republican Governor Mark Sanford left his wife and four sons at home over Father's Day weekend while he flew to Argentina for a roll in the sheets with his mistress. There are more, many more. And yet these are the sanctimonious pricks who want to define marriage for the rest of society. Again, fuck that!

9. We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing, denial of health care, and government funding of abortion.

Unfortunately, health care is already rationed - by one's ability to pay: the rich get plenty and the poor get none. And Republicans have long brayed for votes by opposing a woman's constitutionally-given right to control her own body. As the old saying goes, Republicans see life as beginning at conception and ending at birth - when it comes time to guarantee a decent life to another poor child.

10. We support protecting the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership.

In other words, any mental patient or lifelong felon should be able to own as many fully automatic weapons as he can afford. And don't even think about keeping any records on gun ownership. Criminals aren't the enemy - government is!

Keep up the good work, fools. Der Fuhrer would be proud!