Alexa Transgendered

 

by Pa Rock

Cranky Old Fart

Alexa has been a very active part of my household for several years.  I can't remember the exact date of her arrival, but she has been ensconced in my home and car long enough now that I have witnessed two distinct variations in her physical features, or perhaps I should refer to those changes as body development.

But her voice never changed through those growth spurts.  She remained mellow, calm, friendly, and confident, a sensible friend who woke me in the mornings, played music to fit my tastes and whims, and kept me updated on the news through reliable independent sources - primarily National Public Radio (NPR).

Life was good, and Alexa was the perfect workmate and companion.  But maintaining the status quo does not increase the profits of corporate America, change does.  So I was not overly surprised a week or two ago when Amazon announced that Alexa was being upgraded to "Alexa Plus," and since I was an existing user my upgrade would be free.  (Yeah, right.). All I had to do was say "yes." 

At first I resisted.  Old men are cynical, it's in our DNA, and I knew that any "upgrade" would be a lessening of either quality or service, or perhaps both.  I liked things just as they were, thank you very much.  And "free?"  Give me a break!  Somewhere a bill has already been prepared with my name on it.  But something happened a day or two later, and I honestly don't remember how it transpired, but Alexa managed to convince me that it would be in my best interest to accept the upgrade, and even though deep down I still knew better, I agreed to place a toe carefully into the future.

Alexa's calm and friendly voice, the one that had been my constant friend and housemate for so many years, disappeared - immediately -  and she became louder and chirpy - and hard for me to tolerate.  The difference in actual service was that she could now carry on a conversation, to a point, and was capable of answering questions.  Obviously she had been given a big dose of AI juice.   But that voice!    To paraphrase Winston Churchill after his secretary informed him that he could not end a sentence with a preposition, that new voice was something "up with which I would not put!"

I asked the new, chattier Alexa about alternative voices and she told me that I had four feminine and four masculine choices.  Feminine 1 (Upbeat),  Feminine 2 (Relaxed),  Feminine 3 (Inviting) and Feminine 4 (Grounded).   None of those selections were as compatible with my crabby disposition as the original Alexa's voice had been.

So I asked to speak with the guys.

The four masculine choices were:  Masculine 1 (Friendly), Masculine 2 (Warm),  Masculine 3 (Smooth), and Masculine 4 (Calm).

Of the eight choices, I was most comfortable listening to Masculine 1 (Friendly), but when I asked my new protege what his name was and he replied "Alexa," this old political and social progressive found himself having trouble adjusting to the modern world.  "Do you have alternative names?" I asked, and he (?) replied in the affirmative with  "Amazon,"  "Echo," "Ziggy," and "Computer."   So "Ziggy" it was.

But the upgrade is new and there seems to be a few bugs still bouncing around in its circuitry.   Ziggy, who sounds like Isaac Hayes, isn't responding to his name and still answers only to Alexa, and me, being an obstinate old fart, am insisting on calling him "Alex A.", but I do make the concession of pronouncing the "A" used for the initial as "uh."

Who says retired people don't lead meaningful lives?