The Royals Export Celebrity Drama to the States

 

by Pa Rock

Citizen Journalist

The British Royal family, a closely inbred interrelated group of freeloaders and useless nabobs whose only function in life seems to be that of generating "news" for the tabloids and acting as human tourist attractions, have now opened a branch office in the States, and my, aren't we lucky to have them!

There used to be hope in some quarters that when Queen Forever Elizabeth II passed on, the monarchy would quietly extinguish itself, but now they - the king and his immediate heirs - seem to be working at warp speed to entrench their money and privileged lifestyles more firmly than ever into the British landscape.

His Divorced Highness, King Charles III and his Divorced Bed Partner, Queen Camilla, have already laid claim to all of the nicer family residences - even little Frogmore - and sweated their own DNA onto some of the more valuable family jewels, many of which were stolen from subjugated peoples generations ago.

But they wear them well.

Photographs of Charles in his coronation regalia of crown, jewels, and furs have him looking far more like an Old Queen than his mother ever did.  And Camilla, the Second Wife, may not be living up to the description "The Rottweiler" that the First Wife tried to hang on her, but Camilla is presenting as the silent partner who is scurrying about and trying to say and do all of the right things while staying out of the King's royal way.

There had been hope that the King's royal offspring, the two sons by the First Wife, would separate themselves from the useless lifestyle propagated by the past thirty generations of so of their direct ancestors, but that doesn't seem to be happening.  While both Wills and Harry presented as fairly normal kids when their mum was still alive, they now both seem to be just as damaged by unending privilege as most of their forebears.  William marches stiffly through his royal settings and duties as if he had a scepter shoved up his royal English backside, and Harry, who became essentially irrelevant once Wills mastered the art of making babies, moved off to the Colonies where he now peddles his celebrity status for American dollars instead of British pounds.

Wills and Harry have both essentially eschewed the notion of ever working for a living and are instead content  to earn their keep in society by being celebrities.  God knows we don't have enough of those.

Yesterday Harry and his wife, Meghan, carried a couple of news cycles when some member of their staff told the press that they had just been pursued in a high speed car chase by members of the paparazzi, an evil subset of humanity who make their living by snapping photos of celebrities in a symbiotic relationship that keeps the social parasites in the press and the photographers in pizza.  That story about a high speed car chase by fiends with cameras had legs, of course, because Harry's mother, the King's First Wife, lost her life in that exact scenario.

But an hour or two later the taxi driver who was at the wheel for the royals during part of the alleged chase was talking to the press and saying it really hadn't been any big deal - and denials regarding the severity of the experience were also coming in from some of the police officers who had peripheral involvement in the incident.

But a car chase, especially a car chase by paparazzi involving one of Diana's sons, sells newspapers - and it also helps maintain celebrity status, and being a celebrity pays the bills.

It's all in a day's work for th rich and famous.

Don't worry, Harry.  Your American cousins will stand in awe every time you ride by in your Bentley.  We will give you the royal treatment you so richly deserve - and with any luck at all you will prove to be just as useless here as Wills is back home in Britain!

God save the king - and all who profit and freeload off of his existence!