Sunday, May 21, 2017

Survival Tips for an American Despot

by Pa Rock
Citizen Journalist

As Donald Trump does Saudi Arabia where he scrapes, and bows, and perhaps even curtsies before the country's Muslim king, his political troubles back home show no sign of abating.  Indeed, poor Donald John may return next week to find that the political quagmire that threatens to suck him under has grown wider and deeper in his absence.  The man whom British and Vegas bookies both see as likely to be impeached or driven from office, appears to be sinking with alarming speed.

But that does not have to be the case.  Trump, at present, is obviously taking advice from an inept cadre of political hacks and inexperienced aides - and perhaps even some individuals who are surreptitiously plotting his downfall.  If there was ever a time for rampaging paranoia, this is it!

Donald John, it's not too late to save yourself.  What follows are a few of my humble suggestions to preserve and protect your reign over these United States.  Please feel free to use them as you like.

  • Cover-up!  Lie, forget, stonewall.  Impede the investigation at every turn by using every dirty trick in the book.  The bastards are out to get you - don't do anything to make their job any easier!
  • Threaten subordinates.  Keep those insects in a state of constant panic.
  • Record every speck of White House conversation.  Some day it could be the basis of a really great reality television show - and you will own the tapes!
  • Keep a tight rein on the press.  Journalists are nothing but a plague of two-legged locusts that need to be eradicated.  Avoid them, ridicule them, and spray them with your poisonous invective whenever the opportunity arises.  Never let them forget that they are nothing but inconsequential purveyors of fake news.
  • Know your enemies. Who would be in line to benefit most from your downfall?  Let Mike Pence and Paul Ryan both know that if you go down you will take them with you.  Hardball, Donnie, hardball! 
  • Tweet!  Tweet till the cows come home.  Set a goal of fifty angry tweets a day - that will show the world how tough you are.   They don't have to make sense and spelling isn't important, but the tweets must show your absolute strength and rage.  (A tray of martinis would probably help to juice up your thought processes.)
  • Avoid exercise at all costs.  It's a known fact that people have died while exercising.  Don't become a statistic.  Paul Ryan is a gym rat, and you know you are going to be around to dance at his funeral - and probably make a grab or two at the widow while you stumble across the dance floor.
  • Sleep?  Who needs it.  Nighttime is tweet time!
  • Nourishment?  Culver's has a fantastic Butter Burger (order a bag full) and fried cheese curds, and Burger King has a bacon double cheeseburger that is to die for - and there's always the Big Mac!     All of that can be had with double fries, shakes aplenty, and soft dip ice cream and pie for dessert!  Salads are for rabbits - and losers!
Keeping your tiny hands on the levers of power will take hard work on your part, Donald John - but we are all pulling for you - honest, we are!

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