More Monkeys Make a Desperate Rush to Freedom

 

by Pa Rock

Sympathetic Primate

Back in November of 2024, just a couple of days after convicted felon Donald Trump was elected to his second term in the White House, I used this space on several occasions to report and update the story of a group of forty-three Rhesus monkeys who escaped from a laboratory in rural South Carolina and were on the lam.  The freedom-loving monkeys were all finally rounded up by their captors and returned to life in cages where they will spend the rest of their days being used for research on medical cures, cosmetics, and God only knows what other rancid evils hatched in the dark minds of "civilized" people.

I made the suggestion at the time that corporations should use stockholders as lab animals and return the monkeys to the native habitats.  

I mention all that because yesterday there was another Great Monkey Escape, this time in backwoods Mississippi after a truck carrying a load of the captive creatures overturned in a wreck.   The accident happened on I-59 near Heidelberg in Jasper County.  They were en route to a research facility in Florida.  Some of the Rhesus monkeys were able to escape their captivity, but several remained trapped in cages in the truck.  As of this morning three are still on the run, and residents of the area are being warned not to approach the small primates.

The driver of the truck told authorities that the monkeys were dangerous and aggressive, and first reports indicated that they were infected with hepatitis C, herpes, and COVID.  Tulane University in New Orleans, where the monkey transport originated, is saying that the monkeys are not infectious.  

The university issued the following statement:

"Non-human primates at the Tulane National Biomedical Research Center are provided to other research organizations to advance scientific discovery.   The primates in question belong to another entity and are not infectious.  We are actively coordinating with local authorities and will send a team of animal care experts to assist as needed."

Later Tulane University "clarified" that statement to say that the monkeys had never been infected with any diseases.

(If you can't smell lawyers all over Tulane's statement and clarification, get thee to a nose doctor!)

For the three little guys who are still out there, "Head for the hills!" and "Godspeed!"

My recommendation for using corporate stockholders for lab animals still stands.  Or better yet, put corporate board  members and officers in cages and use them.  It would be, after all, for the advancement of science and the furtherance of civilization!